Anxiety

A 18-post collection

Mondays...

Another five days of grind are looming ahead. Another five days of slog and hoping for a decent time window to put my dreams even one baby step ahead.

I tried to have time off on the weekend and failed at that. I'm always putting aside my plns for other nonse. Other people's plans are way more important than my need to faff off.

Except...

Except I feel really worn out in the soul because it feels like I'm not getting enough reward - emotionally and monetarily - for my efforts but packing it all in would make it worse in my brain space.

Never surrender.

Either that, or I just can't not write. If I can make it pay the rent, then that might be something. I am my first audience, my worst critic, and my own eternal bully.

NOT helped by a huge argument with Beloved concerning all the noise related to creating Vector Art so I can make merch for my universe. I may or may not be back to having a functioning version of Inkscape again?

All I know is that when I came back, I had Inkscape running on my compy and there was no sign of the work I'd already done on the other one. I do not know what was happening. I still don't know.

Beloved and I will work things out. Eventually. For now, I should at least attempt to focus on my firkin work.

Once More Into the Breach...

Mayhem is, once again, feeling poorly. Though he has apparently been suffering for three days, he decided not to mention anything until this morning. Showing a timing worthy of the typical Monday-itus.

He did throw up, though, which is my usual bar to pass for staying at home. Same with a fever.

Good luck for me - he's seeing an expert in digestive issues tomorrow, so we should get some form of resolution this time. Huzzah. And if we don't get a

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Kitten plus Disco Ball == me

So many Gottas. So many Dunwannas.

I gotta:

  • do this blog
  • instant story
  • 500 words
  • house cleaning
  • send off a copy of Adapting to Baen Books

I Dunwanna do any of those. I'd much rather wind up that one fic that's been possessing my soul for months now. And then start posting it so I can revel in the suffering of others.

I'd much rather nap all day because wet and miserable weather. And have hot soup and fanfic in-between bingeing my

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Welp. That's Me Fucked Up

It's already Wedensday and the odds of me working on SESP at all are... low.

And I really need to look after myself rather than fret about what I'm not doing.

BUT....

Because anxiety, I gotta fret anyway. Which drains the personal batteries. Which leaves me less energy for doing the thing. Which lowers the odds of thing-doing even further. Which increases the guilt for not doing the thing.

::Windmills of Your Mind plays in the background::

I need permission to just

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Time Flu

I don't know what's going on with me, but it might be interesting to look into it. My batteries are regularly drained by the end of the day. Protein doesn't help. Sugar certainly won't. Having a meal doesn't quite get me back up there, but the willingness to cook it is missing.

Yay.

I probably have the morbs plus anxiety because trying to sell Adapting is getting to me. That and the fact that I'm only halfway towards the Lappy of my

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Finishing Season

Seems to be the time of year for finishing stuff up. I'm 1500 words away from the end of Clockwork Souls and I've just-last-night reached an ending for my fanfic, Crime and Punishment.

I'm going to ponder which fanfic I'm doing next because I can't not write. There's a few juicy ideas I have excerpts for. I just need to pick the shiniest one.

Announcements when that happens, of course.

Today's another cleaning day, and having our new toy means that all

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Challenge #01720-D259: High Alert Level

I may be a coward, but I will not let that define me. -- RecklessPrudence

My name is Val, and I'm afraid. Every day, every minute, all I can think of is the worst possible consequences that result from my actions. You might call it anxiety. I don't think it's anything as mild as that. I have a mechanical clock as an alarm, because what if the power fails in the night and all the electronic stuff doesn't work? I sterilise my

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OMG it's too late

I tried asking. I tried explaining. I tried flat-out telling my Beloved to do the thing.

Beloved.

Just WON'T.

Help.

Unfuck the garage.

I told them, because the cleaning company told me, that any extra time on the unfuckening in there would end up costing us more than the usual. I did not tell Beloved that I'd already taken money out of the other bank account to cover the cost of tomorrow.

Maybe I should have. I still have today. So does

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Smooth mornings!

Hooray, I have life figured out enough that the mornings move like a well-oiled machine. Now, if only I could do the same thing for myself.

Alone, I clog up with fascinating things until a half-hour task takes most of the firkin day. And then I complain about having zero time to fart around and play games.

Sometimes, I am a complete dummins.

But I have learned a few things from some of it. Including a new word that I plan to

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Swing and a miss

Just when I get into the swing of things, the pendulum shifts and everything goes agley all over again.

Beloved is taking off in the early-early morning, before I can even badger the kids into getting their lunchboxes together. Which means no morning exercises. Which means finding a time in the afternoon to go do it.

Which hasn't happened, so far.

Tomorrow evening, we should be walking around the blocks, again. Starting with the long block and, if we can, going around

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Deep sigh...

I'm having a hump day. Very much aware of all the things I really should get done but also depend on the actions of others.

I need to get Adapting out to my beta readers. Or that writing group who could allegedly help if they didn't hate science fiction. BUT - I need Beloved to get it reader-ready because nobody but your own, strange and humble martian actually uses Pages for the Mac. [And even then, not for much longer. I'm now

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Getting committed

No, the men in the nice white shirts with the interesting coat for me to wear have not turned up to take me away. I made myself sit down and actually line up the things I am going to get for my blossoming jewellery shop.

Yes, dear readers, Every Girl Deserves Beautiful is going to become a thing!

My primary focus will be pride earrings1, but I can also do steampunky charm earrings or just intricate shiny things that are not

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Procrastination!

I should be getting a nice shopping cart full of findings from AliExpress, but I'm dawdling. I'm thinking too hard about the simplest things I could make versus the things I should be selling. I need to think bare minimum whilst a majority of my culch is missing without a trace. Which I find personally very annoying.

Very annoying things stick with me too well. I remember a large assortment of betrayals and unintentional cruelty towards me... and I remember things like

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Juggling Life

I had a bit of a row with Beloved about money again. Domestic arguments always seem to start with income and inlaws. But this time, it included outgoing moneys as well.

I'm a frugal little bean and I try not to have extravagant expenditure. I try to get as much as I can out of as little as possible, and going over that allotment makes me sad, angry, and bitter. Especially when I've done my best scrimping, only to find that Beloved

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Ugh

Dentist appointment, today. Gonna get that plaque scraped off my teeth et cetera. And told that I might lose my front teeth if I'm not careful.

I'm being careful as much as I can, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to get artificial incisors. Sooner or later, it's going to happen. It's pretty much inevitable.

Fortunately, my dentist is just as invested in me keeping my teeth as I am.

What I am going to do is drag my little

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