A 16-post collection


Another five days of grind are looming ahead. Another five days of slog and hoping for a decent time window to put my dreams even one baby step ahead.

I tried to have time off on the weekend and failed at that. I'm always putting aside my plns for other nonse. Other people's plans are way more important than my need to faff off.


Except I feel really worn out in the soul because it feels like I'm not getting enough reward - emotionally and monetarily - for my efforts but packing it all in would make it worse in my brain space.

Never surrender.

Either that, or I just can't not write. If I can make it pay the rent, then that might be something. I am my first audience, my worst critic, and my own eternal bully.

NOT helped by a huge argument with Beloved concerning all the noise related to creating Vector Art so I can make merch for my universe. I may or may not be back to having a functioning version of Inkscape again?

All I know is that when I came back, I had Inkscape running on my compy and there was no sign of the work I'd already done on the other one. I do not know what was happening. I still don't know.

Beloved and I will work things out. Eventually. For now, I should at least attempt to focus on my firkin work.

I Just Wanna Goof Off

What I gotta do:

  • This blog
  • Instant story
  • 1000 words so I can get up to 15K in B'Nar
  • Figure out and obtain a birthmas gift for Mayhem

What I want to do:

  • Space out
  • Play games
  • Watch/listen to Critical Role
  • Sleep more

Not only did I stay up later than normal, last night, but I'm also battling the "nobody wants me" worm-eatin' blues. All because the publishing house I sent Adapting to has not yet got back to me about

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I'm tired and I can't sleep, so I'm blogging.

I have stuff to do and I'm playing that old game: Am I really tired, or is this depression/asthma/some virus?

Do I want coffee, or do I need coffee? Does this make me an addict? Am I overthinking things again?

Can I summon the mental fortitude to summarise my novel and fix the markdown formatting while I'm at it?

If I try to nap now, will I even be able to?

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But I don' _wanna_...

We need...

We need a decent dinner. We need cream because we're running out. We need snackables for the kids' lunchboxes. We need to find a local source of good eggs that won't break the bank because trundling to North Lakes every third day to get them is going to drain my budget faster than anything else.

Economically, I long for the days when we could just pop on over to the Golden Circle factory outlet and just get boxes of whatever

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Slow start

Since nobody gets out of bed before 5:30 anyway, I'm re-setting my alarm to that time and not waking up early for half an hour of heartbreaking inertia. And that's all I have this morning. Inertia has me in its wicked claws today.

I woke up at around 3 and tried and failed to get back to sleep. A combo of Beloved's snoring and the various little annoying lights in the room kept me awake. The phone makes the body lotion

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Good news: I have found a way to do an efficient read-through of Beauties before I send it off to my dear, dedicated Beta-readers.

Bad news: It sucks balls and takes an age to do.

The method? I get my computer to read my book to me and follow along. Chapter by chapter. I have to take the time to devote myself to this so that my Betas have more to enjoy and less to do. Y'all should be backup to make

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Deep sigh...

I'm having a hump day. Very much aware of all the things I really should get done but also depend on the actions of others.

I need to get Adapting out to my beta readers. Or that writing group who could allegedly help if they didn't hate science fiction. BUT - I need Beloved to get it reader-ready because nobody but your own, strange and humble martian actually uses Pages for the Mac. [And even then, not for much longer. I'm now

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Dentist appointment, today. Gonna get that plaque scraped off my teeth et cetera. And told that I might lose my front teeth if I'm not careful.

I'm being careful as much as I can, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to get artificial incisors. Sooner or later, it's going to happen. It's pretty much inevitable.

Fortunately, my dentist is just as invested in me keeping my teeth as I am.

What I am going to do is drag my little

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Welp. Gotta do it today

I never got the message from Officeworks about the books, so I have to chase them down about it today. I gotta get lunchboxes, pay bills, and plan the laying-in-of-supplies.

Thank goodness I now know a place where I can get poppas and snacks by the crate.

I gotta get myself into enough gear to cook meals again. These last few weeks have been heat-and-eat when they haven't been purchase-and-gorge. Beloved's been enormously helpful, but they can't cook for me forever.


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Aaaah holidays

There's something about the school holidays that just makes me want to lie in until my back aches. At least I wasn't waylaid by Steamworld Heist, today. Just a solid dollop of The Lazies.

I want to take care of a drift of boxed debris as part of tidying up for Yuletide, but Beloved insists that all boxes going into the big shed must be sealed and labled. I'm thinking of making Beloved to it with my help. It's a cool enough

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3:07 AM

Well, fuck.

Beloved is out working so late that it’s early. And I have the shittiest time sleeping alone.

My feet hurt. It’s cold. And I think I might need the nebuliser because I haven’t been looking after myself.


And of course at 3AM I get thoughts like:

One day I will be problematic to somebody.

One day someone will dig up something I said in a previous decade that I cringe about even now.

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ladyshinga: One of the more weird and frustrating things about depression to explain to people, especially concerned/worried loved ones, is...


One of the more weird and frustrating things about depression to explain to people, especially concerned/worried loved ones, is that you’re not suicidal really it’s just… sometimes you’re so… tired. You’re so apathetic, that… it’s not the active death of yourself that you’re wanting. That requires so much more energy than you have, and it’s too violent an act for what you want. There’s just sometimes this quiet and exhausted desire to

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my morning got off to a lovely start at fuckit in the morning when Beloved came home and woke me up by going to bed

then i spent the rest of the morning trying to get back to sleep

only to finally have a dream about the alarm going off and actually waking me up TWO FUCKING MINUTES before the alarm actually went off

i’ve already had my coffee of the day and it’s not fucking working

the printer won’

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I'm in a Mood...

It’s nobody’s fault but mine. I play these games with my own head that I can’t stop or turn around. Depressing shit below the cut. [TW: Thoughts of death]

The bad things count more than the good things, and the unresolved bad things just… keep… weighing me down.

I should be glad that I have three more followers… but I fret that none of them are going to buy my books when they

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Feeling heavy

I feel heavy.

Not a physical heaviness. More a spiritual weight that drags me down to the point where I don’t feel like anything can lift me back up.

I don’t know why I’m feeling this down.

The house is clean. I’m on top of the laundry. I’m on top of the dishwashing. I’m on top of the floor - keeping it clean, that is.

I should be on top

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