Depression

A 21-post collection

Getting a Groove

This morning, I over-estimated my harvest and cut up twice as many olives and mushrooms as usual. Nothing was wasted, though. I added them to a quick two-egg scramble, added cheese, and called it an omelette.

Of course, miss Chaos got half of everything, but she didn't want the omelette. Meh. I thought it was tasty enough. Whatever.

I think, this Friday, I will only be making savoury pancakes. The bread flour starter is still getting healthy and I think another week of daily feedings outside the fridge will put it up to snuff.

I also need to find a honkin' big plastic bag to rest my doughs in when I put them in the fridge. That's got to be a thing. I have some roasting bags... maybe one of those could work. With pegs instead of the supplied twisty ties.

That remains to be seen.

However, the sourdough experiments have results. I have been eating sourdough breads for a month or more and, apart from really rude knuckles, I have no swelling or other nastiness associated with eating too many carbs. It's the other side of Sneezin' and Wheezin' Season and I haven't needed the nebuliser any more than the Keto-new-normal of two per season.

I don't have any swelling or puffyness that I get with regular carbs, so sourdough is my jam. I already have plans to send a loaf to someone as soon as I have a regular supply of flour. We might be bringing back barter. Who can tell?

In the news, the US is claiming that a drug developed for Ebola can "block" the plague and help those stricken with it 31% faster. I'm waiting for research that isn't financially motivated, what with the combined hydroxychloroquine and injected disinfectant fiascos. The US is so desperate for anything to bring the economy back that they'll go for anything. Even if it does actually work, they'll be crowing about how it's a "cure" in less than a day, regardless of how inaccurate that is.

I mean, they're already crowing about how their (in)actions regarding the plague were super effective and successful, for reals you guys... anyway, my mom says I'm pretty and handsome and clever so ner.

That's the Repugnican playbook. Deny, Delay, Distract, Decamp if possible, and then Declare victory in spite of the evidence.

The four D's. I was joking when I wrote it at first, but the more time passes, the more chilling it gets. Makes it hard to keep carrying on.

Miss Chaos had an existential crisis involving how nothing she does matters in the long term, so I adapted Sir Pterry's, "Here and now, you are alive," bit from Small Gods. I have to remember those words.

Here and now, I am alive. Here and now, I matter to those around me. Here and now, I can choose. I choose to do the good things, and continue doing them, because here and now they matter.

Here and now... someone loves you. Keep existing, keep persisting - if not for you, then for them.

We've got this. Let's go.

Struggling a Little

Let's make this clear. I am not struggling economically. I finally have enough in the bank that I don't fret about how long it will last. Add to that the fact that Centrelink has granted me $750 to help deal with the crisis economically. Where I'm struggling is mentally.

I can't fight a virus. I can't run away from it. With 'fight' and 'flight' blocked, the brain has reverted to "feign death" - aka wanting to sleep entirely through the crisis. It's

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Attempting to Grind

Grinding is no fun. Putting my usual output into the wild has become a grind more than once. I don't have a lot to put on Patreon, so I'm going to look at freezing payments until I have a lot to share. It's possible. Toasty does it on the regular.

I did some poking around, and it's in (surprise) the Settings area. Therefore May will be free and possibly June if I feel that inadequate by then. Very possibly also June because

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Challenge #02550-F360: A Hero is You

Grandma I got the big sad, can you read me a story? -- Anon Guest

Oh my child, my darling dear. Sadness must be hunted. A story can quell it, but you must trace it to be happy in the long term. It is a hunt only you can embark upon. You must armour yourself with happier times, you must strengthen your soul with the knowledge that your true family is always there to support you, and arm yourself with clever thoughts

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Challenge #02543-F353: Good Kitty

A nonhuman deathworlder learning about major depressive disorder and suicidal ideation from a human so used to suffering from those that they treat the loss of their medication as an inconvenience, and apologize to the poor sap they got stranded with while they ask them to keep an eye out for self destructive behaviors.

"So, I've only got a few days worth of my meds, and it'll be at least a couple of weeks before we get rescued. Mind keeping an eye

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Mondays...

Another five days of grind are looming ahead. Another five days of slog and hoping for a decent time window to put my dreams even one baby step ahead.

I tried to have time off on the weekend and failed at that. I'm always putting aside my plns for other nonse. Other people's plans are way more important than my need to faff off.

Except...

Except I feel really worn out in the soul because it feels like I'm not getting enough

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I Just Wanna Goof Off

What I gotta do:

  • This blog
  • Instant story
  • 1000 words so I can get up to 15K in B'Nar
  • Figure out and obtain a birthmas gift for Mayhem

What I want to do:

  • Space out
  • Play games
  • Watch/listen to Critical Role
  • Sleep more

Not only did I stay up later than normal, last night, but I'm also battling the "nobody wants me" worm-eatin' blues. All because the publishing house I sent Adapting to has not yet got back to me about

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Fuck...

I'm tired and I can't sleep, so I'm blogging.

I have stuff to do and I'm playing that old game: Am I really tired, or is this depression/asthma/some virus?

Do I want coffee, or do I need coffee? Does this make me an addict? Am I overthinking things again?

Can I summon the mental fortitude to summarise my novel and fix the markdown formatting while I'm at it?

If I try to nap now, will I even be able to?

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But I don' _wanna_...

We need...

We need a decent dinner. We need cream because we're running out. We need snackables for the kids' lunchboxes. We need to find a local source of good eggs that won't break the bank because trundling to North Lakes every third day to get them is going to drain my budget faster than anything else.

Economically, I long for the days when we could just pop on over to the Golden Circle factory outlet and just get boxes of whatever

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Slow start

Since nobody gets out of bed before 5:30 anyway, I'm re-setting my alarm to that time and not waking up early for half an hour of heartbreaking inertia. And that's all I have this morning. Inertia has me in its wicked claws today.

I woke up at around 3 and tried and failed to get back to sleep. A combo of Beloved's snoring and the various little annoying lights in the room kept me awake. The phone makes the body lotion

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...dagnabbit

Good news: I have found a way to do an efficient read-through of Beauties before I send it off to my dear, dedicated Beta-readers.

Bad news: It sucks balls and takes an age to do.

The method? I get my computer to read my book to me and follow along. Chapter by chapter. I have to take the time to devote myself to this so that my Betas have more to enjoy and less to do. Y'all should be backup to make

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Deep sigh...

I'm having a hump day. Very much aware of all the things I really should get done but also depend on the actions of others.

I need to get Adapting out to my beta readers. Or that writing group who could allegedly help if they didn't hate science fiction. BUT - I need Beloved to get it reader-ready because nobody but your own, strange and humble martian actually uses Pages for the Mac. [And even then, not for much longer. I'm now

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Ugh

Dentist appointment, today. Gonna get that plaque scraped off my teeth et cetera. And told that I might lose my front teeth if I'm not careful.

I'm being careful as much as I can, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to get artificial incisors. Sooner or later, it's going to happen. It's pretty much inevitable.

Fortunately, my dentist is just as invested in me keeping my teeth as I am.

What I am going to do is drag my little

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Welp. Gotta do it today

I never got the message from Officeworks about the books, so I have to chase them down about it today. I gotta get lunchboxes, pay bills, and plan the laying-in-of-supplies.

Thank goodness I now know a place where I can get poppas and snacks by the crate.

I gotta get myself into enough gear to cook meals again. These last few weeks have been heat-and-eat when they haven't been purchase-and-gorge. Beloved's been enormously helpful, but they can't cook for me forever.

Nibbling

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Aaaah holidays

There's something about the school holidays that just makes me want to lie in until my back aches. At least I wasn't waylaid by Steamworld Heist, today. Just a solid dollop of The Lazies.

I want to take care of a drift of boxed debris as part of tidying up for Yuletide, but Beloved insists that all boxes going into the big shed must be sealed and labled. I'm thinking of making Beloved to it with my help. It's a cool enough

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