Humans Are Weird

A 155-post collection

Challenge #03164-H255: Earth Plus Water Equals Friendship?

The path to real friendship is paved with really stupid shit. Hey my friend, sorry about that! Here, let me get that mud off of you. -- Anon Guest

There is a saying among Galactics, Pack-bonding will happen whether you want it or not. It is never said by Humans. When they found out about it they laughed.

It was certainly a very true saying for Companion Tros, who had just met her Ships' Human in a cascade of mud, tumbles, and laughter. "Whoah, I really misjudged that one. Hi, you okay? Nothing broken? Livesuit[1] holding up?" The Human picked her up, setting her back upright while still sitting in the mud. "Let me get that gluck off of ya."

Hands easily capable of crushing her were surprisingly gentle at a perfunctory cleansing. "Hello? I am here to meet Human Ori and begin briefing for life aboard the Legendary Fire Bird."

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Challenge #03160-H251: How to Save Human

Humans are too eager, sometimes, to protect us. We appreciate it, we rely on it, we've become highly dependent on it. Some of us... may have even grown weaker, relying on our living shields far too much. They are far too willing to throw their lives away for us, we must get them to see, their lives are worth just as much as ours are. -- Lessons

It is universally agreed that Humans, as a species, are insane. They have to be.

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Challenge #03137-H228: Medicinal Herb Misuse

Despite being Deathworlders themselves, they hired a human who was an expert at debugging computer systems, at engineering, and at improvising fast solutions when things went south. They looked like large, bipedal, cats, including claws that could pull in or be exposed when needed. They made sure they hired a human who was not allergic to fur, or felines. However, when the human started growing catnip, using it to sooth himself when they had trouble sleeping at night, the beings realized it

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Challenge #03113-H204: Proof in the Party

Our comments gave me an idea!

Companion Gann carefully wrote the scientific paper after several months of reading up on Humans' relationship with water. He brought the report to his people with the shocking, incredible, revelation that Humans were, in fact, mammals that were semi-amphibious by their very nature! The scientific community in his world was in an uproar, many hotly debating it and demanding proof. Huge pools of clean water were set that were quite deep, safeties were placed, just in

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Challenge #03100-H192: Unusual Pun-Ishment

The prisoner was sitting cuffed to a chair that was welded to the floor. The human was sitting with a pile of books next to them across the metal table that was also welded to the floor. The chair was not uncomfortable and the cuffs were padded.

[Pirate] "I will never tell you the size of our group or who our captains are. You're wasting your time!"

[Human interrogator with a sigh] "Are you sure? I really don't want to have to

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Challenge #03084-H176: Hello Again, Little Friend

They had crashed on a planet where the atmosphere was toxic. The pods were safe and able to be moved together to create a larger shelter, and with only four of them, the shelter was big enough for at least a month, though rescue stated they'd be there in about two weeks given the distance and lack of short cuts in that area. Their patient's infection showed by day two. The human frowned, seeing it, then began to cut apart citrus peels

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Challenge #03083-H175: Anything is Ammo

A: "What's that?"

H: "What's what?"

A: "That odd thing you're working on." Indicating the odd contraption attached to the human's suit that the human was carefully adding conditioning agent to the strong, stretching, straps

H: "Oh, this? That's just my wrist rocket"

A: "Wrist Rocket?"

H: "My slingshot"

A: ........................................... -- DaniAndShali

"Aw, don't look at me in that tone of voice," said Human Ess, still tinkering with the simple device. It was nothing more than a forked frame, some stretchy straps,

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Challenge #03064-H156: Shall We Play a Game?

Anyone who ran a table would understand. -- AmberFox

[AN: Yeah nah that's a bad sesh there. And maybe bad management]

The life of the game master holds many roles. Storyteller, co-ordinator, plot-weaver... and primary parental to a group of people with the collective intelligence of a tadpole. It wasn't their fault. Not entirely. Players in a game this complicated had other things to concern themselves with between sessions. They had lives, errands, work, trivialities, and assorted nonsense that obscured their memories.

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Challenge #03066-H143: Could is Not Should

Human: "Excuse me?"

Alliance Member: "Yes?"

Human: "I .. um.... kinda... messed up again."

Alliance Member: "Oh it's you.... OH! You didn't, please not again!?"

Human: "I really thought I could do it this time." The human held their broken arm and looked over at the trees that looked as though something large had just ripped through several of the small branches and leaves.

Alliance Member: "HOW many times do we have to tell you? Stop trying to get to the very top

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Challenge #03055-H132: Worked Stone

It was an old custom on Earth that was once popular. Humans would paint stones with pretty pictures, happy sayings, and then, when they had a fairly large collection done, would take all of these intricate stones and scatter them all over the place so other people could find them. Often with a URL on the back for people to log in with a picture of the stone to show it was found and where. A way to brighten a person's day.

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Challenge #03018-H095: Time and Effort

A: Can I borrow a knife?

B: What do you need it for?

A: What do you mean?

B: What you need it for will determine which one I give you.

A: How many knives do you have?!?

B: What do you need a knife for? -- FightingFit

"No, no, no," said Human Arin. "I gotta go down this rabbit hole. How many knives do you own?"

"One for every purpose and then some," dismissed Human Bob. "I have a collection."

"That's

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Challenge #03015-H092: Minor Disaster Averted

H: Ow.

A: What happened? Do you need medical?

H: Second, I'm on my way to medical already. First, I jarred the ankle on my good foot while trying not to mess up my bad foot further. Um...one A I guess?... I think I sprained something again.

A: Stay right there, I'll get a chair with wheels on it.

H: Oh yeah, I didn't think of that. That would be WAY faster than trying to limp there...

A: And it would

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Challenge #02931-H008: Okay We Know That Was Silly

Two humans go to the infirmary with hands covered in blisters. At first, the medic thinks they got heat-burned. But the tests show the blisters are from frostbite. When asked, the humans shrug and went "We wanted to see who could hold ice in our hands the longest, and to make it more fun, we added salt to our hands, first. We were just goofing off." -- Anon Guest

The leading cause of dangerous injury to Humans was Humans "just goofing off"

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Challenge #02923-G366: Bad at Risk Assessment

"And what brings you to medical, human?"

"I took my particle mask off when I should have left it on. That was, uh, five days ago? I'm pretty sure I've coughed up all the stuff I inhaled, since the phlegm isn't pointy any more, but I'm still coughing, and my lungs itch. I would have waited longer to bother you about it, but I've been kinda short of breath today, so I thought I'd come in before it got any worse." --

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Challenge #02920-G363: You Laugh, We Win

A: It’s ovew bwothew, i have the high gwound! OwO

B: Chu undewestimated mwy powew.

A: Don’t twy it -- Anon Guest

[AN: Honestly, nothing is better for a giggle than translating badass lines into Owo.]

The fake battle involved bippy hammers[1] and amusing melodrama, much to the amusement of everyone else in the room. There was so much amusement that some were concerned about their ability to breathe. Companion Grox, perching far above melee range, was making sure

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