Realm of the InterNutter

Thoughts, stories and ideas.

::Confused Zombie Noises::

I need something. I dunno what it is, but I need it. I need it like air, because I'm sinking into the horrific realisation that maybe my bod is stress adapted and will actively seek being petrified of nothing because it thinks that's the state of normal.

What. The. Fuck.

I suspect that the Ashwagandha I'm taking isn't working as well as the Original Brand(tm) because it's the herbal supplement version and not the "clinical" version that reset my brain chemicals to a wonderful state of approaching average1. It was wonderful while it lasted, but do you think I can find that stuff anywhere in the stores, these days? No-o-o-o-o. No brain-resetti herbal shit for this little 'Nutter.

Chemist's Warehouse website says they have it, but I've been on the Leyland's tour to go to each of the three I know of, and it's never firkin there. Contemplating order-by-mail for this shit. It's the good shit.

Meanwhile, Beloved is looking at stuff like Pregnenolone and 5-HTP as solutions to my lack of energy without realising that the core problem - my anxiety - is gonna likely get exacerbated by this shiznit. Like, sure, they look good on the surface, but the instant the research reveals that they spike anxiety... I get out the 40' barge pole.

Meanwhile, I'm constantly terrified of nothing and wearing myself out in the process. Going to sleep early, waking up early, and starting the whole gorram cycle all over again. Which affects my ability to brain at all, focus on any one thing, or not dive off into a million directions at once.

I hate being tired all the time from being scared all the time. I hate feeling down because I can't keep up with the billions of ideas and things I want to exist. I hate being helpless. I hate feeling like this. All. The. Time.

IDK whether to cry or go nap. Neither will help.

But I can make myself a jelly as a post-day treat and maybe that will help reset my noggin a little.

That before story, methinks.

  1. There's no such thing as 'normal', everybody's weird -- Professor Elemental. Words of wisdom IMHO.

Challenge #02235-F045: Sing Out the Sun

"Hey what song are you singing today?"

"'I love those J-I-N-G-L-E bells.'"

"Oh good. I can hang my laundry today." -- Anon Guest

There are interesting wrinkles to being a life companion for a bard. Especially if that bard took a level or two in the Druidic arts, apparently for the laughs. One of them is the daily practice session. Not that Jiihan needed it. She was a very good bard... but the druidic edge put certain harmonic combinations at a

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Mondays...

Another five days of grind are looming ahead. Another five days of slog and hoping for a decent time window to put my dreams even one baby step ahead.

I tried to have time off on the weekend and failed at that. I'm always putting aside my plns for other nonse. Other people's plans are way more important than my need to faff off.

Except...

Except I feel really worn out in the soul because it feels like I'm not getting enough

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Challenge #02234-F044: Incidental Hazards

Young children like to lounge on people, caregivers and companions alike. Do other species deal with this? -- Anon Guest

There is an instinct almost universal to the young of any given species. Stay close to your caregiver. Once able to move about free of the nest/clutch/creche/pouch, the caregiver is still a bastion of protection, font of education, and primary source of emotional resilience. In species with communal childrearing, any older member of the species will do.

Which was

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Falling off the wagon

I love too many things with sugar in them.

Which is why my weight is up into the 77 kilo zone. Further from my ultimate goal of a scientifically-mandated 70 that I'm supposed to be at. I really need to stay away from the sweet things, but... They're firkin delicious, dangit.

I gotta stay solid on the wagon for at least two weeks. Or eat minimum as is my usual wont until such time as I reach something approaching a happy equilibrium.

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Challenge #02233-F043: Greatest Responsibility

What would an intergalactic nursery look like? -- Anon Guest

Multi-species infant care is a fascinating workplace to begin with. For each species, there are separate demands beyond the standards of clean, warm, and comfortable. There are some general rules, like mammals do best when fed on their parental secretions. Reptilian life forms, for instance, get essential gut bacteria from their parentals' regurgitations. Some, like Humans, thrive with the assistance of gentle physical contact. Others are too frail to be disturbed until

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Ar En Ar

Having cleared 81K of B'Nar, I got in some good naps and some lovely steak at Hoggies. No surprise, I feel a lot better about my place in this world.

Sometimes, it helps to just... take a nap.

Of course, it's all because anxiety sucks. You get so stressed out that something snaps and the body's like, "F this S" and turns off all the adrenaline so all one is left with is the depression chemicals.

So now instead of being scared

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Challenge #02232-F042: To Stand in Judgement

"I've known nothing but struggle and heartbreak... and yet I fought to survive, certain it would all be worth it in the end and my prayers would be rewarded... And now I learn THIS? I discover that, from your point of view, my entire life, from the moment I was born until the day I die... well, died... that every day of it is... er, was... just a bit of idle entertainment?!"

"Well... though that's a terribly dark way to put it.

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Once more...

  • Onto my bullshit
  • Unto the breach
  • With my lack of focus
  • Kitten brain

Pick any three. I'm blaming the carb feast my Beloved brought home for Valentimes. We're belaying the actual good food for tonight because like literally everywhere was booked out before we even thought of it. So Beloved brought home cheesecake, chocolate, ice cream, and macarons and we binged MacGuyver and ate a lot of crap.

Perfect couple's night IMHO.

Tonight, we're headed off to Hoggies for a belated Valentimes

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Challenge #02231-F041: Workarounds

"You're being stingy."

"Yes, I know." -- Anon Guest

"I warned you," said Lady Anthe. "These caverns are not as friendly as the rest of the Underdark. You won't find luminous mushrooms or special glowing crystals here, and most of the fungus among us is either deadly poison or just plain carnivorous. I used to survive in places like this."

"You mean you used to live--"

Anthe cut Marvin's well-meaning correction off. "I wouldn't call it living. After three more days, neither

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Valentimes!

Yes, I spelled that intentionally.

It's that time of year when the marketing push turns to love. Buy chocolates for the one you love. Buy flowers for the one you love. Buy this, buy that, show them you love them with...

Diamonds, flowers, gold, silver, wine, five-star dining, cars... they will attempt to equate money with love. That's because money can be reduced to numbers and that fits well with being able to quantify stuff.

Thing is...

I don't got the money

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Challenge #02230-F040: Radical Prototype

"I fail to see how crew members taking the offensensitivity warning I attached to myself as a joke or challenge is in any way my fault." -- Anon Guest

Human Kari tapped at the small pin. It was shaped like a fan, and mostly silver. The borders were thick and black and there was an ornamental scroll that had the words, Accidentally Offensive embossed into it. Presumably, those within range to read it would also be subject to Human Kari's... more colourful

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My usual bullshit returneth

There's a meme on tumblr of a photoshopped etching that originally warned of communism, but is now... somewhat improved. Instead of the original caption, the spectre of Death now carries a giant scroll that reads, Lord help me, I'm back on my bullshit.

[Image of the very meme of which I spoke]

My bullshit is succumbing to assorted temptations instead of paying attention to what I should be doing for my own gorram good. Like... learning Java, CSS, how to do this

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Challenge #02229-F039: Special Talents

"Am I weird?"

"Yes, that's why we get along." -- Anon Guest

They say things like, There's always one, or, Strange is as strange does; but what they generally mean by that is, Look at the statistical outlier. It's not always done with malice, but it certainly feels that way when one is on the receiving end. For those who experience this sort of thing first hand, it's interesting how the statistical outliers are reviled and expelled from groups as "too strange"

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So I fucked up. Again

I'm busy trying to be rational towards my anxiety, and it's not exactly working. I've made mistakes with my narrative choices before. It should be no big deal.

Except...

Except I've done this twice in the space of one month and I'm normally more careful about this kind of thing and, like the impending speeding ticket in the red tape stage of landing on me, I'm afraid this will somehow wreck my life plans.

Screwing up stories by saying things sideways or

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