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Fucking Anxiety

A 53-post collection

It's an INTERESTING day!

Woke up at a quarter to midnight and realised - hey, Toasty's having a stream and if I go back to sleep, the alarm is just going to wake me up grumpy and useless.

So I got up and pootled around [finished a chapter of Lust of the Demon Lord, to be posted on Patreon this week. Yay] and enjoyed some GOOD GOOD THIRST ART which is tickling the shipping receptors in my brain. This is a good thing.

Also today - Sending Chaos to school, unfuckening the house, AND braving the wilds of potential contamination for precious coconut milk.

Eeps.

I am going to be strawberry jam before the sun sets.

It's almost time to watch for the bus. Let's do this thing.

Beautiful to Look At...

I finally made a beautiful-looking loaf:

[Shown here: A sourdough loaf still in the Dutch oven. It has risen like an angel]

The downside is that it feels worryingly dense and I fear we will be making some very pretty bruchetta with it. Ah well. I did everything "wrong" but at least it looks like it turned out lovely.

I used up the last of the White Wings wholemeal flour making this, and this is a list of the things I did:

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I have the fraids...

Got myself some fresh hot anxiety, directly from the oven of my gremlin brain. I don't even know why it's spiking NOW, but it's where I am and flakk this to heck and gone.

The focus on powering the economy in literally every nation is going to lead to more deaths and I'm just waiting for the hammer to fall. Scotty from Marketing is planning to cut Jobkeeper as soon as all the schools re-open because of course he is. This is

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The Clusterfuck Continueth

Just as they're easing restrictions, we have a cluster of new cases and who would have predicted this? Oh, wait. Literally everyone who knows how viruses work. Good job.

The conspiracy theorists have more fuel for their fire because a lab in Wuhan allegedly shut down due to some mishap. This could be: (a) a direct result of funding loss because The Muppet doesn't believe in science, (b) actual protocol related to a suit puncture or spillage or something of the ilk

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Some Fun Now

Miss Chaos is the only one staying home to prevent the spread of the plague. I might send her back to school as of next week, but this really requires a consult with Beloved and an honest discussion of the risks. Chaos can't take her phone with her and therefore can't use the alleged protection of the extant Covid tracking apps.

YAY.

Our most vulnerable to infection and spread [with bonus points for being inclined to be asymptomatic] can't use the one

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Friday!

I don't have enough flour to be confident about making bread, but Mayhem is taking up the slack by using all my bread mix to make bread according to the instructions. He's loving it.

I like the fact that none of this bread mix is going to waste. Mayhem is making bread to be proud of, even though I can't eat it.

I've blended my harvests together this morning and made some ENORMOUS sourdough frisbees. When Chaos gets back to school, I'll

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Hello, anxiety

I'm pretty sure I know exactly what's behind the intense anxiety I get whenever someone drops a hateful review of my writing. So hello, childhood fear of people bad-mouthing me because that would soon be followed by physical violence. It hasn't been long enough.

I keep telling myself that this person somewhere in the wilderness of the interwebs can't actually track me down and beat me up for being weird. All they have is their words.

I also have to note that

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Sigh...

I have just published episode 5 of Inter-Mission, which is now out on Anchor, linked over on the "PODCAST!" link up in the menu, there. It should also be out on the current affiliates with Anchor, which are:

  • Apple Podcasts
  • Breaker
  • Google Podcasts
  • Overcast
  • Pocket Casts
  • Radio Republic, and...
  • Spotify

Find me on your favourite audio streaming option from the above. Share and enjoy.

I've reached an embuggerance with the dang Kitty Kondo (tm) because we know a 10mm hole is too

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I need five cubic meters of cotton wool...

...and a big burly bloke named Bruce to take care of me while I'm down.

Today's embuggerance is sponsored by the Internet, a finished novel, asthma, heavy anxiety, and my general disability to cope with multiple crises at once.

  • I have finished writing B'Nar
  • Which may be a contributing factor in today's anxiety spike
  • I'm having a Clayton's Asthma Attack
  • Which may also contribute to said anxiety spike
  • The internet connection to the outside world is fucking DEAD
  • Which definitely contributes to
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So I fucked up. Again

I'm busy trying to be rational towards my anxiety, and it's not exactly working. I've made mistakes with my narrative choices before. It should be no big deal.

Except...

Except I've done this twice in the space of one month and I'm normally more careful about this kind of thing and, like the impending speeding ticket in the red tape stage of landing on me, I'm afraid this will somehow wreck my life plans.

Screwing up stories by saying things sideways or

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Getting My Shit Together

I'm headed off up to Tullagawoopwoop to visit my friendo soon. So far, I've gathered most of my clothing into a bag in case I couldn't get the suitcases, and then got the suitcases down -_-

There's a phenominal amount of gecko crap on them and I should brush them off before I get packing, and the list of things I really should buy is starting to grow...

But of course I also have to arrange for Mayhem's book list to

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Fargnax!

I have a lot of stress. Most of it is self-inflicted. And worse, I can't do shit about it.

  • The expert recommended more tests.
  • Mayhem doesn't want to do them.
  • I finally triple-checked Sweet Child of Mine and started posting it on AO3. It is a rough beast of a whump fic. Be warned.
  • I'm still watching Adapting in slush pile limbo. So far, it's in a state of not being looked at.

I should go with the most likely scenario, but.

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I Need a Cure

My anxiety is in rare form this morning. We're seeing an expert about Mayhem's digestive issues, today.

There's a high likelihood that said expert will recommend irreversible invasive surgery and I am prepared to fight like a tiger about this.

And I am terrified - absolutely bone-deep terrified - that I will somehow fail and legal shit will get involved on all of this.

I have to think of this in a Best Case, Worst Case, Most Likely Case scenario.

Best Case:

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::static noise::

Beloved is home and sleeping it off. I wish I could be that lucky or that able to follow suit.

The best option I have is caffeine. Which sort of works okay, I guess. But ceases working long about 5PM. But I should be done with the important stuff by then and honestly - who cares that my sleep cycle is broken and needs new tyres?

Nobody.

Sleep aids have to be herbal, dear readers. My biology is such that if I

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Chedule change, wheeee

Today is a cleaning day. Because something went agley, I have no doubt.

I managed to cook up a very nice soup that got firkin vaccuumed up by the little darlings. And now I must ponder what to do for dinner tonight. That's cheap. And easy.

Because my sleep issues continueth.

I woke up at somewhere near midnight despite having some soothing tea and white noise on. Fitful sleep from there until long about five in the AM.

I am going to

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