Fucking Anxiety

A 27-post collection

The Wheezing Continueth

My experimentation yesterday has revealed results. In that I can keep this compy functioning if I stick to the BARE MINIMUM of programs going at once. Mail, Markdown editor, and browser with only the necessary pages loaded. Nothing else.

Even then, it's slow as balls to get anything done, so... Yeah. I need to save up AU$1.5K so I can afford to get a new one and do all the things I dearly want to do. I already have the other AU$1.5K in my dreams account [it was going to go towards the audiobook for Amity Incident but I can't get that going with no compy...] so I'm technically halfway there.

Of firkin course this happens in the middle of a plague crisis that has shut off my income flow from Patreon because my brain can't focus on more than two disasters and my creative shiznit.

The plus side is I'm producing at minimum 100 words per day, so my book is getting written, just in slow firkin motion.

Everything is happening in slow firkin motion.

Speaking of slow off the mark...

  • The Muppet finally admits that mask-wearing and social distancing might actually be useful against a plague that spreads through breathing and close contact. Cue the conspiracy theorists claiming that "big mask" or whatever "got to him" blah blah blah...
  • NSW minister urgently telling their populace to wear masks and keep away from people
  • People in NSW jack sick of this shit don't want to do that
  • I want to fucking smack them
  • People in Victoria advised to keep themselves in isolation even if they get a negative result on their test
  • People in Victoria not wanting to do that and are outraged at the order
  • I want to fucking smack them too
  • Bloke caught crossing the border for butter chicken receives AU$1.6K fine plus a year's worth of free butter chicken. I shit you not
  • Sunny Queensland is back to Day Zero as another case crops up and if it's a Karen flaunting the rules, I am honestly contemplating murder. I know fifteen ways they'd never find the body [kidding, it's probably about four]
  • Syphilis is making a comeback...
  • The Karen Squad in the US have invested more time and effort into creating a fake "medical condition" card to get them out of wearing a mask than it would have taken to make a firkin mask. Geez, Karen. Grow the fuck up

In positive news, I may have something of a commission. A friend of mine wants me to make some masks for the greater good, and I do have the fabric, I just need to get the cord. Which was enough trouble in the height of the plague, imagine how it could be now that the supply chains are rooted and everyone who could panic buy has cleaned out the shelves.

I also made more of my soon-to-be-famous butt bread, one loaf of which is sliced for consumption at Chaos' school. Because she won't make sandwiches at home for some firkin reason. I don't even know any more. I'm just going with whatever works at this point. If she wants to make sarnies at school instead of packing them at home... whatever, kid. As long as you eat. Part of today's mission(s) will be going shopping for sammich stuffins to take to school so she can use them there. And getting some cord for the aforementioned masks.

I shall need every luck TBH.

Back to Firkin Zero

What an amazing co-incidence. Queensland's borders open up and Covid-19 comes a-marching in. Who could have possibly predicted--

Everyone with an atom of sense, that's who!

...geez...

In the news:

  • Children once thought to be immune to Covid-19 consequences are now dying from Covid-19 in yet another example of wishful thinking combined with the people in charge not giving a fig about basic science principals so long as the all-hallowed economy flourishes
  • It has now been revealed that the Muppet attempted to
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I gotta but I don't wanna

I remember going through this during the 2012 floods. Frozen with fear and watching the news circle around. Just sitting and watching the devastation while I was holed up and listening to the ceaseless sound of rain. I couldn't move and I couldn't do anything else but stay informed.

I'm reaching a point where I don't want to leave the bed. I went to bed in the afternoon when I was done with my Instant and I spent the rest of the

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Hooray, it's the anxiety alarm clock

I've got one of those "It's do-able, but..." schedules today, and thank GROP the shrink visit is virtual because there's a high likelihood that I am going to be rat-faced tired before 5PM so I can start the cycle again. Whee.

It's 1AM so I'm officially too late to take a HTML-sleep [aka HTP-5, the nice concoction that metabolises into melatonin. If I took it now, I would be rat-faced exhausted all firkin day.

So. I'm up at one in the morning

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It's an INTERESTING day!

Woke up at a quarter to midnight and realised - hey, Toasty's having a stream and if I go back to sleep, the alarm is just going to wake me up grumpy and useless.

So I got up and pootled around [finished a chapter of Lust of the Demon Lord, to be posted on Patreon this week. Yay] and enjoyed some GOOD GOOD THIRST ART which is tickling the shipping receptors in my brain. This is a good thing.

Also today -

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Beautiful to Look At...

I finally made a beautiful-looking loaf:

[Shown here: A sourdough loaf still in the Dutch oven. It has risen like an angel]

The downside is that it feels worryingly dense and I fear we will be making some very pretty bruchetta with it. Ah well. I did everything "wrong" but at least it looks like it turned out lovely.

I used up the last of the White Wings wholemeal flour making this, and this is a list of the things I did:

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I have the fraids...

Got myself some fresh hot anxiety, directly from the oven of my gremlin brain. I don't even know why it's spiking NOW, but it's where I am and flakk this to heck and gone.

The focus on powering the economy in literally every nation is going to lead to more deaths and I'm just waiting for the hammer to fall. Scotty from Marketing is planning to cut Jobkeeper as soon as all the schools re-open because of course he is. This is

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The Clusterfuck Continueth

Just as they're easing restrictions, we have a cluster of new cases and who would have predicted this? Oh, wait. Literally everyone who knows how viruses work. Good job.

The conspiracy theorists have more fuel for their fire because a lab in Wuhan allegedly shut down due to some mishap. This could be: (a) a direct result of funding loss because The Muppet doesn't believe in science, (b) actual protocol related to a suit puncture or spillage or something of the ilk

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Some Fun Now

Miss Chaos is the only one staying home to prevent the spread of the plague. I might send her back to school as of next week, but this really requires a consult with Beloved and an honest discussion of the risks. Chaos can't take her phone with her and therefore can't use the alleged protection of the extant Covid tracking apps.

YAY.

Our most vulnerable to infection and spread [with bonus points for being inclined to be asymptomatic] can't use the one

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Friday!

I don't have enough flour to be confident about making bread, but Mayhem is taking up the slack by using all my bread mix to make bread according to the instructions. He's loving it.

I like the fact that none of this bread mix is going to waste. Mayhem is making bread to be proud of, even though I can't eat it.

I've blended my harvests together this morning and made some ENORMOUS sourdough frisbees. When Chaos gets back to school, I'll

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Hello, anxiety

I'm pretty sure I know exactly what's behind the intense anxiety I get whenever someone drops a hateful review of my writing. So hello, childhood fear of people bad-mouthing me because that would soon be followed by physical violence. It hasn't been long enough.

I keep telling myself that this person somewhere in the wilderness of the interwebs can't actually track me down and beat me up for being weird. All they have is their words.

I also have to note that

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Sigh...

I have just published episode 5 of Inter-Mission, which is now out on Anchor, linked over on the "PODCAST!" link up in the menu, there. It should also be out on the current affiliates with Anchor, which are:

  • Apple Podcasts
  • Breaker
  • Google Podcasts
  • Overcast
  • Pocket Casts
  • Radio Republic, and...
  • Spotify

Find me on your favourite audio streaming option from the above. Share and enjoy.

I've reached an embuggerance with the dang Kitty Kondo (tm) because we know a 10mm hole is too

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I need five cubic meters of cotton wool...

...and a big burly bloke named Bruce to take care of me while I'm down.

Today's embuggerance is sponsored by the Internet, a finished novel, asthma, heavy anxiety, and my general disability to cope with multiple crises at once.

  • I have finished writing B'Nar
  • Which may be a contributing factor in today's anxiety spike
  • I'm having a Clayton's Asthma Attack
  • Which may also contribute to said anxiety spike
  • The internet connection to the outside world is fucking DEAD
  • Which definitely contributes to
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So I fucked up. Again

I'm busy trying to be rational towards my anxiety, and it's not exactly working. I've made mistakes with my narrative choices before. It should be no big deal.

Except...

Except I've done this twice in the space of one month and I'm normally more careful about this kind of thing and, like the impending speeding ticket in the red tape stage of landing on me, I'm afraid this will somehow wreck my life plans.

Screwing up stories by saying things sideways or

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Getting My Shit Together

I'm headed off up to Tullagawoopwoop to visit my friendo soon. So far, I've gathered most of my clothing into a bag in case I couldn't get the suitcases, and then got the suitcases down -_-

There's a phenominal amount of gecko crap on them and I should brush them off before I get packing, and the list of things I really should buy is starting to grow...

But of course I also have to arrange for Mayhem's book list to

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