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Humans Are Space Orcs

A 307-post collection

Challenge #03987-J335: Give the Kid the Toy!

The human is only 4 years old. They tried to scare the child of the ship's human by taking away their stuffie. They learned why ships with human children aboard are almost more dangerous than ships with only the adults. There was a lot of time needed in the ICU. This was like human Pib all over again! -- Anon Guest

Some warnings are universal, or quickly become so. Never try to eat anything bigger than your own head. Never gamble against someone who smiles all the time. And never, EVER... purposefully do anything that will piss off a Human. No matter the relative size of the Human involved.

The Space Pirates of Pinzaans were just about to learn that last one, taking a virulently colourful blob with eyes off of a very small Human who would otherwise not co-operate. Their reason? "Fluffy says that's a no-no." So they took 'Fluffy', expecting instant subservience.

What they got was a pint-sized ball of screaming rage and dirty fighting. Kicking, screaming, biting, grabbing any loose object and hauling it around towards anyone in their way.

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Challenge #03923-J271: Good Game, Friend

The massive, plated, deathworlder asked to fight the human. The other humans warned their friend to go easy on the being. The being sneered at the soft, squishy, opponent. They learned that humans are... a lot more dangerous than their soft, smooth, appearance, with no fangs or claws, make them appear to be. -- Anon Guest

No matter how big and strong you are, there is always someone who can whip your ass. There is, as the saying goes, always a bigger

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Challenge #03903-J251: Catharsis Exercise

"What's that human doing with all those blades?"

"They're going to go and calm down."

"I .......see.... so... what are they going to do with them?"

The counselor points to a door marked "Rage space" and opened it to show a knife-throwing range.

"Like I said, going to go and calm down." -- Anon Guest

Companion Burd watched the procedure from the safe side of an observation window. Human Duke printed out some pages of cheap flimsy with images and words on

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Challenge #03874-J222: Pitching Therapy Assistance

I made a special virtual reality program for people with explosive tempers. When they get angry, they go into the specially padded room, put on the VR goggles and haptic feedback suit and gloves, and do whatever they need to do to get it out of their system. There's been a lot of success in helping people control their tempers until they can get to the Let it out rooms. -- Anon Guest

[AN: As far as anger management is concerned, mindful

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Challenge #03867-J215: Marie Celested

All the crew were safely in sound proof escape pods. The lights were now dimmed, the human was on the intercom. Time to go Haunted House on these ruffians!

Took Therapists months to stop the pirates from screaming in their sleep. -- Anon Guest

First up, I fully understand the charges of psychological damage in the second degree. In my defence... they did attack us.

As a Ship's Human, it's my job to keep the crew, the cargo, and the ship safe.

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Challenge #03809-J157: Tactilely Rewarding

There was a small, human child staring at them. The small child shuffled closer then said, in a soft voice, "your fur looks soft. May I touch you? I washed my hands."

The child's hands were still slightly damp. -- Anon Guest

Humans are deadly, they leave a trail of blood in pursuit of conquest. Humans are insane, but there is method in their madness. They want to pet, tame, or ride any creature that they find. And if all else is

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Challenge #03794-J141: The Big Mistake Hunt

When you're a pirate, there is ONE rule you should always follow, newbie.

DO NOT PISS OFF THE HUMAN!

DO NOT MAKE A HUMAN.... you did WHAT???

Ok, this is on you, ..... RUN! -- Anon Guest

Do not meddle with Humans, for they are petty and creatively vengeful. If they have seen you, if they know your name, if they know anything about you, they will track you down and extract more than you expect from you.

Mind. Body. Spirit. They will

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Challenge #03770-J117: Big Chaos

Small Human Child: "For some reason, I always do a chaos if I'm not next to Rennie at bed time."

Small Child's Parent: "It's true. You don't want to see it. I didn't want to see it last night. Can you play quietly until I'm ready to go to bed?"

SHC: "Maybe." -- Escla

Companion Ghayth considered the very small Human currently playing with their KidReader(tm)[1]. They were peacefully guiding a digital effigy on a randomly-generated world. Chopping trees and

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Challenge #03741-J088: Makes Scents

A pleasant scent to you may be offensive, or even dangerous to others. Please be careful about how much perfume you wear. -- The New Guy

Personal hygiene is, in the Galactic Alliance, personal. The most many expect is to keep the self-generated pathogens to oneself. That said, there are many who equate hygiene with the simulation of hygiene. Makeup, scents, wigs, flashy clothing, anything and everything but actually keeping clean.

Most of those methods are harmless. Except in the cases of

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Challenge #03661-J008: To Everything, Turn, Turn, Turn...

When is it appropriate to kill? And when is it appropriate to allow yourself to die? These are questions roiling through the head of the young adult who is on their first job as a ship's human, protecting these kind scientists who were treating him as if he was their own family. -- Anon Guest

Human Zan's first log entry on the first day of his first job as Ship's Human was, Sweet Powers, it's full of nerds.

It was a science

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Challenge #03653-I365: Simple Chemistry for Galactic Complications

Bold of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

several explosions later

Well now would you look at that, it worked. Now stfu and let's keep moving before this planet or I, kills you -- Anon Guest

Xym MacGillicuddy had one rule: Never plan, just be prepared.

Those encountering it for the first time were always confused. If being prepared wasn't planning, what was ze prepared for? To which Xym answered, "Zombie apocalypse suit you? 'Cause anything's good for

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Challenge #03626-I338: Parcel of Peace

These creatures are DANGEROUS, don't even think of challenging them, are you mad?? They eat POISONS for fun! They drink ACIDS for refreshment! Their bodies are made so they can run for MILES before they even begin to get TIRED! DO NOT FLAKKING CHALLENGE THEM! -- Anon Guest

Who could possibly believe that a rubbery hairless biped with an internal skeleton could also be the most relentless killing machine in the known universe? Certainly not Thrith Wout, who was running for hir

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Challenge #03586-I297: As Well as Expected

Rescued Crewmember: I thought you said you couldn't do strenuous physical activity?

Human: I said I couldn't do strenuous or high impact physical activity without hurting myself.

RC: You just carried me, at a dead run, through the entire ship and to cover before going back for more.

H: And I have hurt myself.

RC: ... and we're still in danger.

H: I will need so much physical therapy after we get rescued. -- Escla

Human Quyl has been wearing her bracers more

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Challenge #03582-I293: Unlikable When Angry

Going aboard station, they took a deep breath and reported to security. They asked to see medical because they had a problem. A bad temper. They were normally very kind, but when they lost their temper, they had a very hard time stopping if they started to swing, and last time, they hurt someone very badly. They were looking for help, because they were afraid, if they got mad enough, it would happen again. -- Anon Guest

"Anger. Inhibitors," repeated Medik Fleam,

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Challenge #03485-I197: A Terror in Tulle

Never, EVER, assume, just because the human's so much smaller than you, that you can just bully them. You will NOT like the results! -- Anon Guest

There is an ancient Human saying, Never trust a very small girl in a frilly pink glitter tutu with a sword. The reason why it's a Human saying is only known to those who work at Renfairs. It certainly wasn't known to the attacking pirates when they encountered the equivalent of a lost tourist bus.

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