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Humans Are Space Orcs

A 311-post collection

Challenge #04386-L002: Read the Signs

Don't go after a ship filled with neophytes. Their adult counterparts will only kill you. Human larvae will do far worse. -- Anon Guest

The ship was painted bright yellow, throwing the bold, black lettering on its hull into sharp contrast. Slow moving, loaded with life forms and cargo, it looked like the perfect target.

Appearances can be deceptive.

The space pirates found this out eventually. They were congratulating themselves on what looked like a sweet haul as they latched onto, then bored into the hull. They caught the ship's staff by surprise and neutralised them with ease.

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Challenge #04385-L001: Beware of Humans

They attacked a human outpost thinking that these small, squishy, beings would be easy prey.

They learned the truth, and broadcasted their apologies, and a dire warning about humans. -- Anon Guest

This is an urgent message to anyone crossing into this solar system. Beware. Do not attack the cogniscents in this area. Do not raid the settlements in this area. Do not go within zero point eight Standard Astral Units[1] of any rocky planetoid in this system. They will detect

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Challenge #04379-K361: It's Just Like Home

A troop of Marines land on a planet they considered "a bit warm". Their enemies never stopped to realize what "a bit warm" meant to humans. -- Anon Guest

[AN: I'm from a country where it regularly gets above fifty celcius during summer. High forties are "a bit warm"... but that kind of depends how thick the air soup gets]

Space Marines have what you might call a... Reputation. Always with the ellipsus and the capital. If you want a polity or

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Challenge #04378-K360: Arrogance and Entitlement

An intergalactic empire finds out what happens when you double-cross humans and try to enslave them. It's not pretty. But, for the record, they were warned. -- Anon Guest

There is no longer a Drasfrangian Empire. What happened to it is a lesson to all who think they have the power and the right to ignore the Cogniscent Rights Committee. Their chief mistake was holding all non-Dasfrangians in slavery. Their territory was large and always growing. Their armies large and fueled by

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Challenge #03987-J335: Give the Kid the Toy!

The human is only 4 years old. They tried to scare the child of the ship's human by taking away their stuffie. They learned why ships with human children aboard are almost more dangerous than ships with only the adults. There was a lot of time needed in the ICU. This was like human Pib all over again! -- Anon Guest

Some warnings are universal, or quickly become so. Never try to eat anything bigger than your own head. Never gamble against

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Challenge #03923-J271: Good Game, Friend

The massive, plated, deathworlder asked to fight the human. The other humans warned their friend to go easy on the being. The being sneered at the soft, squishy, opponent. They learned that humans are... a lot more dangerous than their soft, smooth, appearance, with no fangs or claws, make them appear to be. -- Anon Guest

No matter how big and strong you are, there is always someone who can whip your ass. There is, as the saying goes, always a bigger

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Challenge #03903-J251: Catharsis Exercise

"What's that human doing with all those blades?"

"They're going to go and calm down."

"I .......see.... so... what are they going to do with them?"

The counselor points to a door marked "Rage space" and opened it to show a knife-throwing range.

"Like I said, going to go and calm down." -- Anon Guest

Companion Burd watched the procedure from the safe side of an observation window. Human Duke printed out some pages of cheap flimsy with images and words on

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Challenge #03874-J222: Pitching Therapy Assistance

I made a special virtual reality program for people with explosive tempers. When they get angry, they go into the specially padded room, put on the VR goggles and haptic feedback suit and gloves, and do whatever they need to do to get it out of their system. There's been a lot of success in helping people control their tempers until they can get to the Let it out rooms. -- Anon Guest

[AN: As far as anger management is concerned, mindful

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Challenge #03867-J215: Marie Celested

All the crew were safely in sound proof escape pods. The lights were now dimmed, the human was on the intercom. Time to go Haunted House on these ruffians!

Took Therapists months to stop the pirates from screaming in their sleep. -- Anon Guest

First up, I fully understand the charges of psychological damage in the second degree. In my defence... they did attack us.

As a Ship's Human, it's my job to keep the crew, the cargo, and the ship safe.

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Challenge #03809-J157: Tactilely Rewarding

There was a small, human child staring at them. The small child shuffled closer then said, in a soft voice, "your fur looks soft. May I touch you? I washed my hands."

The child's hands were still slightly damp. -- Anon Guest

Humans are deadly, they leave a trail of blood in pursuit of conquest. Humans are insane, but there is method in their madness. They want to pet, tame, or ride any creature that they find. And if all else is

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Challenge #03794-J141: The Big Mistake Hunt

When you're a pirate, there is ONE rule you should always follow, newbie.

DO NOT PISS OFF THE HUMAN!

DO NOT MAKE A HUMAN.... you did WHAT???

Ok, this is on you, ..... RUN! -- Anon Guest

Do not meddle with Humans, for they are petty and creatively vengeful. If they have seen you, if they know your name, if they know anything about you, they will track you down and extract more than you expect from you.

Mind. Body. Spirit. They will

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Challenge #03770-J117: Big Chaos

Small Human Child: "For some reason, I always do a chaos if I'm not next to Rennie at bed time."

Small Child's Parent: "It's true. You don't want to see it. I didn't want to see it last night. Can you play quietly until I'm ready to go to bed?"

SHC: "Maybe." -- Escla

Companion Ghayth considered the very small Human currently playing with their KidReader(tm)[1]. They were peacefully guiding a digital effigy on a randomly-generated world. Chopping trees and

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Challenge #03741-J088: Makes Scents

A pleasant scent to you may be offensive, or even dangerous to others. Please be careful about how much perfume you wear. -- The New Guy

Personal hygiene is, in the Galactic Alliance, personal. The most many expect is to keep the self-generated pathogens to oneself. That said, there are many who equate hygiene with the simulation of hygiene. Makeup, scents, wigs, flashy clothing, anything and everything but actually keeping clean.

Most of those methods are harmless. Except in the cases of

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Challenge #03661-J008: To Everything, Turn, Turn, Turn...

When is it appropriate to kill? And when is it appropriate to allow yourself to die? These are questions roiling through the head of the young adult who is on their first job as a ship's human, protecting these kind scientists who were treating him as if he was their own family. -- Anon Guest

Human Zan's first log entry on the first day of his first job as Ship's Human was, Sweet Powers, it's full of nerds.

It was a science

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Challenge #03653-I365: Simple Chemistry for Galactic Complications

Bold of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

several explosions later

Well now would you look at that, it worked. Now stfu and let's keep moving before this planet or I, kills you -- Anon Guest

Xym MacGillicuddy had one rule: Never plan, just be prepared.

Those encountering it for the first time were always confused. If being prepared wasn't planning, what was ze prepared for? To which Xym answered, "Zombie apocalypse suit you? 'Cause anything's good for

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