Amalgam Universe

A 2313-post collection

Challenge #01030-B298: Non Sequiturs of Doom

I have no idea what that means, but it cannot /possibly/ mean anything good. -- RecklessPrudence

Rael almost congratulated himself. The first Ambassadorial Meet for Shayde was going well. Like the man falling from a building in that ancient joke, it was rather a case of so far, so good.

She had made it as far as lunch on the first day without causing a fracas.

"I tole ye. I'm no' fer sale and I'm past my amuse-by date," carried over the general murmur.

He had no idea what that was meant to mean, but it could not be good. Rael tried to make his way through the crowds between himself and Ambassador Shayde.

"You're funny," said... O Powers no... One of the delegates from one of the far-too-many, surviving, Greater Deregulations. "I could do an exotic like you a world of good."

Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap... He'd heard about her inoculations of sexism thanks to Hackmeyer. And her resultant hatred of any sign of it. And the Deregulations were one of the few civilisations that still practised it.

"Oh, so yer plannin' tae fook off, then? Goodbye."

"You say goodbye and I say hello..." the delegate caterwauled. It wasn't even recognisable as a tune.

"Listen, pal. I met Paul McCartney, and nobody could hope tae sing it better except the fookain Consortium; and since yer neither, how about ye don't even try."

"I don't listen to wimmin, I buy them. Who owns you? What's your ticket?"

Rael struggled through the gathering throng just enough to see Shayde's eyes glowing red as she cracked her knuckles.

"Can yer mother sew, pal?"

Rael didn't understand what that could mean, either, but he could almost see gathering storm clouds of doom.

"What's a mother?" said the confused representative of -yes- Greater Deregulation South by Southwest. One of the worst offenders who had to be told, repeatedly and on a case-by-case basis, that women were not up for grabs, sales, or 'test drives'. And -yes- he was also absent-mindedly helping himself to a handful of Shayde's rump.

Rael pinged Security.

Shayde sucker-punched the delegate. "Get 'er tae stitch that!"

The Consortium of Steam held up score cards. They also had very little tolerance for the Deregulations.

Shayde wasn't finished. Her hair fluffed outwards in the now-familiar signifier of her doing magic. Sparks coruscated around her and red light leaked in lightning from her eyes.

The delegate for Greater Deregulation South by Southwest wet himself, earning cheers and applause from everyone he had offended. Which was quite a vocal crowd.

"May you be one minute late at the worst possible time," intoned Shayde.

"...whut?" blurted the delegate.

Security escorted both of them away. Him for unwanted advances and refusal to accept 'no' as an answer, and her for assault. Her sentence would be lessened because of self-defence.

He could hear the Consortium plotting to send her a cake. It quickly devolved into differing meanings for the word 'file'.

Rael must never be that far away from her again.

(Muse food remaining: 16. Submit a Prompt! Ask a question! Buy my stories! Or comment below!)

Challenge #01028-B296: Explaining History

Advantage number one of having crammed our development of spacecraft into only ten years: "Holy shit we know how to mass produce so many liquid explosives that we can get to be stable for just long enough, you have no idea." -- RecklessPrudence

It's said that anything interesting enough to propel a spacecraft for long distances in a relatively short time is also interesting enough to be a weapon. And it's usually said by humans, who tended to develop the weapons first

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Challenge #01027-B295: One Terrifying Adventure in a Hidden Bunker

Person #1: Was this place built on an old well, or a burial ground or something?

Person #2: No [Person #1], weren't you paying attention? This whole mess is the result of somebody bringing Nazi Magitech back from WW2 Germany instead of burninating it like any sane person would. -- RecklessPrudence

"Ooooh," cooed Kevin. "So that's why everything is all over swastikas and lightning bolts, right?"

"Eeeh," Allie shrugged. "Sort of. My research indicates that the artefact kind'a possessed the interior decorator

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Challenge #01026-B294: Before She Met Hwell

Person #1: They just have to deal with it. Life isn't fair.

Person #2 (softly, sadly): No, it isn't. But that doesn't mean we should be making it less so. -- RecklessPrudence

[AN: Wholeheartedly agreed]

Two guards watched the product file from the conditioning yards and into the truck. Ready for processing. The newbie stared with an open mouth.

"Hey, if you want one, you could snag it after the buyers have picked the best ones. Bawdy factory don't mind."

"Just... take

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Challenge #01021-B289: You Know What You Did

You can be villainous all you like, little AI, but if the people writing the safeguards are competent, you get this: http://weirdlet.tumblr.com/post/131323113905/furious-peridot-witchoil-devilishdescent -- RecklessPrudence

[AN: Another one I must reblog to notify that this is a thing. Also, I am trying very hard not to channel Bender Bending Unit Rodriguez]

"Welcome to transit station Eighty-Six, the asshole of the universe," droned the alleged welcoming committee. "If you've been assigned work here, then you've made some really

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Challenge #01017-B285: User Interactivity Issue

"Pew pew pew."

"Uh... sir... are you making laser noises?"

"YES!"

"But... your laser is making actual noises..."

"Yes but they're not lasery enough!" -- RecklessPrudence

Grax boggled at the human. "I am not understanding."

"We're in the middle of a siege situation. Do you really need a lesson in human history now?"

"In-between volleys would be sufficient," allowed Grax. She let off a few shots at the enemies without the verbal accompaniment.

"Pew pew pew!" Andi retreated back to their shared

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Challenge #01016-B284: Rescued!

I'm not a machine... just someone with night vision and a heads-up display -- RecklessPrudence

[AN: Significant thoughts about a certain SPG Music Video]

Kyri had thought she was in a very effective prison until someone walked through the wall like it was made out of wet cellulose. She had to assume they were a someone, because they passed the Turing test within five minutes.

She spent most of her escape inside a protection pod, but judging by the jinking turns and

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Challenge #01015-B283: One Smoky Afternoon in a Dive Bar

Person #1: What the hell is going on, [Person #2]?

Person #2 (calmly, going to sit down): Well, it appears that we're going to start a revolution. -- RecklessPrudence

Ax'and'l looked askance at his human business partner. "Is this one of your definitely profitable insane ventures, or one of the ones that is more... pro bono publico?"

"Uh," said Hwell. Never a good sign. "Not really sure. But we need to do something. Take a look around this room. What's missing?"

Ax'and'l

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Challenge #01013-B281: B-GUD

I wasn't human, and more than likely once my nature was found out... In popular fiction most A.I were villainous. Hal-9000, Skynet, GLaDOS, SHODAN, AM. Hell, I was even planning on building an army of robots and conquering a planet!

Well, conquering two gas giants and associated hundred and twenty-nine moons.

For the good of my creators. -- RecklessPrudence

I know, I know. There's all kinds of justifications. But they really wanted it, they just didn't know it yet. I'm doing

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Challenge #01011-B279: Trolling at an Intersection

Let's see what the SPOEn think of this quote:

“English is the product of a Saxon warrior trying to make a date with an Angle bar-maid, and as such is no more legitimate than any of the other products of that conversation.” ― H. Beam Piper, Fuzzy Sapiens -- care of RecklessPrudence

[AN: You really love fucking with the SPOEns, don't you?]

Shayde loved grafitti corners. They were an excellent avenue for both spleen-venting and art. And sometimes the art of provocation.

Just

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Challenge #01010-B278: History Q&A

Anything they were willing to try using as fuel during the space race is volatile enough to qualify as an emergency explosive, including the stuff they actually used for launches. -- RecklessPrudence

"They didn't try less volatile launch methods? Like low-orbit flight and gas boosting?"

"Or maglev railgun shots?" suggested another member of Shayde's audience.

"They were thought of, awright. But they were too expensive and too slow. It was a race, ye ken. Braggin' rights tae th' first one on the

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Challenge #01005-B273: Bird Spotting

The cassowary is basically a smaller emu which was apparently created in response to complaints that emus were too sane and peaceable. -- RecklessPrudence

[AN: You have seen that vine where Emus don't know how to handle a Weasel Ball... right?]

"Let me get this straight. There is a flightless bird native to your planet of origin that is, on average, one point four five Distance Units and Fifty-five Weight units of murderous intent in feathers... and it is the saner counterpart

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Challenge #01002-B270: Suck it, Scheherazade!

As far as I am aware, Australia is the only country in the world that eats every theoretically edible part of its national coat of arms (well, stars and crosses... bikkie form?) Roo (lean red meat, the animal is less harmful to the environment than cattle or sheep), Emu (tastes like chicken - well, kinda gamey chicken), and Wattle (seeds make a sweet flour), all eaten.

Although I guess for some countries that would be quite difficult, since they're cheating with having

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Challenge #00998-B267: What a Nice Zoo. May I Live Here?

http://glitch.news/2015-08-27-ai-robot-that-learns-new-words-in-real-time-tells-human-creators-it-will-keep-them-in-a-people-zoo.html

Particularly the final written quote from the android, just before the embedded video. -- RecklessPrudence

Of all the human and allied colonies, the Consortium of Steam is possibly the strangest. Well... at least until you visit B'Nar. But that's another story for another time.

On the prime colony world of New Kazoo, as well as the satellite colonies, ownership is consensual. The owned have as many rights as the owners and sometimes... it is rather hard to

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Challenge #00996-B265: Miss Communication

That thing where your words get all tangled up and you can't speak your own language until you stop and spit out the bad sounds, then suddenly you can talk again. -- Anon Guest

[AN: You might appreciate this vid from Red Dwarf. There's also a more polished official version IDK I rather prefer the original...]

Shayde was in the middle of Explaining Physics. Some of the expositions she had were still years ahead of current technology. Right now, she was examining

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