Amalgam Universe

A 2313-post collection

Challenge #01160-C065: Weird is Universal

A person is the only member of their species in a group, so a lot of their behaviour is passed off as "must be a (species) thing."

Then they meet up with the others and it turns out no, none of them do that, it's a Dave thing. -- Gallifreya

In the interests of diplomacy, crews from various species' crew have been shared out into other species' vessels. I think the Galactic Alliance is trying to engender familiarity with others as a means of cutting down on accidental misunderstandings that trip and fall into wars.

Yeah, it all sounds peachy and keen, the Galactic Alliance, but it's held together with spit and willpower, and they're running out of spit.

And, I think, in the interests of not driving my superiors completely gonzo, they shipped me off to a bunch of aliens called the Q'voth.

They're spiders. Well. Sort of spiders. Imagine for a second that actual spiders evolved lungs and more of a brain than you need to spin webs and eat flies and make more spiders. And with a few less legs. That's your Q'voth.

The conversation went something like this:

OCaptainMyCaptain: Hey Dave, you like bugs of all kinds, right?

Me: Uh, sure, I guess.

OCaptainMyCaptain: Greeeeaaat... I have one heck of an assignment for you!

And the next thing I knew, I was packing my essentials and learning a smattering of Q'voth. I can understand more than I can say. That's natural. I don't have the mouth parts for their complete language.

But you have to pick up the important stuff. Like what panic sounds and looks like. And the important words like, "evacuate", "run", "fire" and lots of other things used in an emergency.

People all over the Alliance panic in their home tongue. It's natural.

The Q'voth are nice enough folks, really. Arachnaphobes wouldn't like the look of them, but as I said, I'm okay with bugs. They're near-sighted, so everything is finely detailed and it took them a couple of Standard Weeks to get used to the idea that I could see much further than them.

It took me that long to get used to the webs.

Q'voth don't like big, empty spaces, so they spin guide-lines between point A and point B. I kept tripping over, breaking, or otherwise messing them up.

Let's just say that we had to work really hard on understanding each other.

As for me... I didn't really have to worry too hard about pretending to be normal, among the Q'voth. I could do my little rituals and nobody said anything. As long as the work got done, they were cool.

So cool that my need for them waned more than a little.

Let me tell you, it was such an immense relief to be accepted as I am. Usually, my little quirks kind of drive people to distraction. I hum under my breath. I make faces when I'm writing reports. And some days, I have to check things a set number of times before I can continue. Threes are pretty usual. Sevens on bad days, and on the really horrible days, I can get stuck in a check loop.

That hasn't happened with the Q'voth. They put it down to diligence or something. The faint praise my human superiors put on my report was that I always had perfectly functioning survival gear.

The Q'voth were really glad of my ability to always know about the emergency gear. And they relied on my visual acuity more than once.

I heard, once, that someone got shipped out to a bunch of bats and moles. That had to be fun.

Anyway. The crap hit the fan when my Q'voth shipmates met up with another human ship. They were so used to my way of being okay that it must have been a bit of a shock when they realised.

My way is not the default human way.

I... might... have freaked out and gone hiding in the service tunnels. I do remember a lot of crying.

But it's all good, now. The Q'voth are still amazingly cool with every weird little thing I do. The only difference now is that they ask...

"Is this a Dave thing or a Human thing?"

They're amazing bugs. You should get over your insectophobia and visit.

(Muse food remaining: 32. Submit a Prompt! Ask a question! Buy my stories! Or comment below!)

Challenge #01159-C064: Not-so-Vital Information

Is there a species in the galactic community large enough to hold a human like a hamster? -- Gallifreya

Taken from the Wikipedia Galactica under the heading of Illogical Questions Asked About Humans...

A: Short form answer: usually not.

Long form answer:

Cogniscents in the Galactic Alliance vary in dimensions and mass. For organic cogniscents, the mass is usually between eight and five hundred Standard Weight Units. There are a few exceptions [see file: Hive Minds] but giants are solely in the

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Challenge #01155-C060: One Tiny Flaw

http://this-book-has-been-loved.tumblr.com/post/139007622507/things-ive-actually-heard-college-students-say

And another one -- Gallifreya

"Look," said the proud architect. "It's the perfect sealed environment. Everything anyone could need, including weather systems to strengthen the trees[1]. I thought of everything. Water purification and recycling, food manufacture. I even created a system that eliminates pathogens in the waste recycling system and removes all risks of infections. There's more than adequate space for everyone, lounges and personal space, shared space. Look. There's even a cinema!"

Director

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Challenge #01154-C057: One Ambitious Training Session on Amalgam Station

http://this-book-has-been-loved.tumblr.com/post/139007622507/things-ive-actually-heard-college-students-say

pick one -- Gallifreya

[AN: Only one? They're all gold!]

It was a minor Ambassadorial meet and greet session, allegedly concerning negotiations to stop the Greater Deregulations from being such massive collections of feces towards their fellow human being.

Not acting like massive collections of feces towards non-human cogniscents was going to take significantly more time and effort.

Laws and regulations were not really working. The most the Deregulations would do was show lip service

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Challenge #01148-C051: Filling in Time

Channeling Bugs Bunny (maybe Shayde?): "I know this breaks the laws of physics, but you see I never studied law." -- RecklessPrudence

[AN: Yes, Shayde did study the laws of physics, but she also found some loopholes]

They were waiting for the dust to settle and Security had already confiscated Shayde's guitar. Possibly out of self-defence. Which meant a series of increasingly unlikely self-entertainments that she pulled out of her trans-dimensional 'pockets'.

One day, Rael supposed, they would learn that Shayde was

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Challenge #01143-C046: Can it, Carol!

"Hmph. I'll have you know, that whole thing is just a horrid example of misinformation."

"You're basically a two-meter-tall mantis from our perspective. Humans assuming you devoured your mate was kinda to be expected... namely since, uh, you did."

"Well, yes... but not before he was dead! We do have laws, you know. Such is our way for those who are gone. Your kind just throws them in a dirty hole to rot or burns them to ash. How wasteful." -- Gallifreya

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Challenge #01138-C041: All Things Spadge

Some of the nicknames make sense - their name sounds a little like that word and a slip of the tongue gives them a moniker for life.

But how the heck did nicknames like (RL example) Spadge happen? --Gallifreya

[AN: Dunno how it happened to your friend, but...]

The new crewmember had a special word. A word for all things. A word that could mean all things. And after a week of hearing things like:

"This is complete Spadge."

"I love

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Challenge #01137-C040: Special Education

The routine butchering of names by various species that have trouble with minor inflections in other languages which inevitably results in silly nicknames - T'reka > Trekker, for instance, or to borrow from another author, Usze > Uzi and N'tho > Nitro -- Gallifreya

Names are important. Across the Gallactic Alliance, all cogniscent beings had a string of sounds or signals that meant 'this is me'. And some... could get quite picky about it.

"Ra-el," said Rael.

"Rail," said the human.

"Ra-el," said Rael.

"Ray

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Challenge #01121-C024: Humans Are Space Orcs

A couple of case studies that had managed to be kept away from the general galactic knowledge pool (except under specific licensing and non-disclosure contracts) come to light - the cases of Phineas Gage, James Brady, Ahad Israfil and others that have suffered massive head injuries and made practically full recoveries, despite the loss of large amounts of brain. (And often despite the lack of medical care of the time - Phineas's accident was in the 1820s)

(Warning for Ahad, pictures from

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Challenge #01120-C023: Irreconcilably Different

http://haberdashing.tumblr.com/post/137972037479/songofsunset-fireandwonder-songofsunset -- Gallifreya

[AN: I know for a fact that there's a really bizarre bug out there. Its young can only eat this super-rare fungal growth, and they solve the problem of making more babies by having one larva gestate like a billion more larvae inside it as it eats. I can't find the name of the thing for life of me. I know David Attenborough talked about it, but that still leaves a lot of

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Challenge #01112-C015: Performance Piece

A scrap of data is recovered. Death's Belief Speech, from Hogfather. Doesn't matter if it's the book or the movie.

For those who haven't read it, a clip from the movie is here.

Not as anything unique to humanity, but rather as a comment on Sophonts as a whole, from a human who would have very much liked to meet the rest of the universe. -- RecklessPrudence

[AN: I would also love to meet the rest of the universe, but I have

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Challenge #01111-C014: To be Good Parents

Speaking of created peoples - whether biology or technology-based - and whether they can be trusted/will rebel/will have morals/all the standard concerns:

"If we do our jobs right, our children are better people than we are." -- RecklessPrudence

The station officials had cleared out a medbay for the anxious parents. A standard Medik and a Wave of the Future Medtech stood by. Patient and implacable.

It was one thing to be first-time parents. It was an entirely different level

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Challenge #01106-C009: Once More, Into the Brig...

"It's a thrilling tale of a dried apricot, four bags of flour, and a torch." -- Gallifreya

Ax'and'l blinked very slowly. It was telling that he was getting used to these levels of crap. And if he let on, he knew that Hwell would only invent new and more interesting levels of crap.

"Save it for getting free drinks at the bars, and even then, I'm letting it known about your capacity limit." He sighed and turned to the Security Guard. "What's

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Challenge #01095-B363: But What Does it Mean?

Another sentence for SPoE(n): “Because of the agency’s oversight, the corporation’s behavior was sanctioned.” And other words that exemplify the "superiority" and "purity" of English: http://mentalfloss.com/article/57032/25-words-are-their-own-opposites -- RecklessPrudence

They had given Shayde a piece of paper preserved under glass. In a special room with careful lighting. Between the half-words on either side, an innocuous sentence.

Because of the agency’s oversight, the corporation’s behavior was sanctioned.

It was news print. The other side

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Challenge #01085-B353: The Cosmic Balldance

Shayde, a costume party, and hundreds of miniscule self-adhesive glow in the dark stars. -- Gallifreya

Of all the reasons that humans had found to throw a party, the autumn festival of Halloween confused him the most. Mediaeval superstition met a modern-day desire for revelry head-on in a display of both ingenuity and greed.

Case in point, the Ambassador of 1986TCE[1] Shayde F. Pitt was throwing a Halloween ball. It promised to be one of the more colourful human celebrations. And

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