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Amalgam Universe

A 2338-post collection

Challenge #01747-D286: Stop Me if You've Heard This One

"Okay, this might be scary so if you need some time to prepare-"

"Jokes on you I'm terrified a hundred percent of the time anyway!" -- OohLookShiny

A Havenworlder and a Deathworlder walk into a bar...

So very many jokes start this way, including the off-colour one that also included cogniphagia. But this time, it was reality. The Havenworlder was in their livesuit and tucked under the arm of the deathworlder. A big, burly, brick of a human.

The worst kind.

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Challenge #01745-D284: Wolf by the Fireplace

How about alien species who don't realize we're allegedly the dominant species on the planet? Maybe they value empathy more than intelligence, which would make dogs the most likely contender for dominant life form. -- Bard2DBone

When humanity met the Fressik, there was some evident confusion and quite a lot of debate. They had crashed on a colony world, and hit some large buildings, so the rescue teams had the rescue dogs with them. The smaller ones worked their way through the

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Challenge #01742-D281: Certain Signs of Doom

When a human is running scared, drop everything and run away with them. -- Anon Guest

Humans get many jobs, all across the outskirts of the Galactic Alliance. In the Fringe Territories, laws are enforced based entirely on how useful they are to follow. As civilisation creeps in, the humans creep out before they become the tolerated exception. That's the thing about fringes and frontiers. There's always more of them.

Here on the edge, overlooking a large and ancient Sargasso, is Bodgy

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Challenge #01740-D279: Too Close an Encounter

It seemed like I might have dodged a bullet. Now all I had to do was avoid all the rest. -- RecklessPrudence

To be honest, I didn't know I'd blundered into a land war until the moon behind me went up into shrapnel. I'd dodged one bullet by accident. Well. Missile. Now I had to dodge the shrapnel from an exploding moon. Getting away from the big boom helped my chances a lot.

And then I saw the fleet. They had a

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Challenge #01739-D278: A Lesson For All

(At an AI's sudden assimilation of a tech base and IMMEDIATE commencement of combinatorial synthesis): Fuckin' bullshit, man.

(In response): Hey if they're going to leave tech specs out where the sufficiently advanced AI can get a hold of them, it's their own fault. -- RecklessPrudence

They called the AI Amoeba, for her abilities, but she preferred Amy. It was her job as part of the combat process to take over enemy facilities and seize all intel and hardware. She liked her

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Challenge #01732-D271: Ageing Ungracefully

Still, working on their manners ... I don't know if there are any etiquette schools around known space who take enrollments from intelligent battleships. -- RecklessPrudence

Humans love war. It is a well-known fact. In their early history, they would war with opposing factions of humans, different coloured humans, and, in a large swathe of history covering the pre-Shattering period, nouns. They don't often talk about the war they lost against emus, though.

Given their love of war, it was no surprise that

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Challenge #01730-D269: Comeback

Deep fried Mars Bar. The dreaded chip buttie (fries on a buttered bun), Floater (Aussie effort: Meat pie floating in pea soup). -- KnitNan

"I've been everywhere," said Shayde, mis-estimating the size of the station by cubic klicks[1]. "Nobody around even knows what fries are an' I'm gaggin' fer a chip buttie."

Nik, overhearing this complaint to the universe at large, gestured her to come closer to his cooking station. "Tell me about these things you call 'fries' and the... chip

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Challenge #01729-D268: Swap Met

The Amalgam equivalent of the combined Swap Meet and Car Boot Sale (of course there are no cars on Amalgam - tow trolleys?). -- Anon Guest

They were called Swap Shops, and they were scattered randomly. They tended to crop up in poorer areas and public service zones. It was where those who had the time to spare on pet projects dropped those projects off to exchange with whatever they desired. Edibles were kept in Stasis Lockers. Everything else was placed wherever

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Challenge #01728-D267: 'Tis But a Scratch

"So, you're telling me that even if a human tried to kill himself by stabbing his head, he could be perfectly fine if the blade goes between the hemispheres of the brain without damaging anything ?"

"Yup, and I didn't talk about Phineas Gage, who got a large iron rod through the head and survived without some part of his brain, or the war veteran who survived a bullet through the heart. Even if we don't have exoskeleton, we are pretty resilient. This

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Challenge #01725-D264: Blind Spot

"You can't just get lucky and expect everyone to treat you like an expert!"

"Why not? That's what you did?" -- Anon Guest

Ambassador Shayde glared at the junior aide. "I'm no' merely lucky," she said. "I got into the Ambassador gig by pure accident. Fer all that's happened, I could'a well had a knowledge base that missed everythin' the Archivaas ever had. I could'a been dismissed as a dangerous fraud if I'd never met th' Consortium o' Steam or no' known

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Challenge #01719-D258: Near Lethal Combination

Finally, almost thirty-five minutes into their wait and seventeen minutes into [Responsible Authority Figure]'s scolding ([RAF's best friend, Shit-Stirrer] kept track; the record was thirty-four minutes, twenty-seven seconds, which [Shit-Stirrer] was ashamed to admit was on account of [much-less-responsible person RAF is mentoring in the ways of fighting both physical and magical, often compared to an excitable puppy] and masochistically determined to beat)... -- RecklessPrudence

If enthusiasm was light, Paxifraxx would be a pulsar. Deadly when aimed in the right direction,

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Challenge #01718-D257: Where Angels Fear

[Name] is a professional adventurer/planet saver with extremely acute hearing. The other speaker is their much calmer and more logical, though not necessarily smarter, best friend)

[Name] buried the pillow over their head and groaned.

“I can’t tell if those are gunshots or fireworks,” they whined.

“Do not be silly, [Name]. Fireworks are illegal on this planet.” -- RecklessPrudence

There's a reason why Iman Goodboy spends most of her time in her livesuit. She could control how much of the

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Challenge #01717-D256: Show of Faith

"Shhhhh." [Name] put a finger to both of their lips. "Let's just enjoy this. Things are going to be awful in a few hours, but right now I've tricked myself into thinking we can handle this. Let me bask in it." -- RecklessPrudence

The human had a mantra for everything that was going wrong. Human Steve was multitasking. Gathering and patching and applying gum and ductape as fast as their two hands could manage. The mantra was four words, "I can handle

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Challenge #01716-D255: One Pot Screamer

Hwell Barrow gets his hands on "knurd" that Discworld drink that you wake up sober with. He drank a Lot! -- Knitnan

Shayde is old enough to remember what 'Kickapoo Joy Juice' was, and when she or her friends were studying for extreme lengths of time, she had invented 'Kikyernuts Brain Fire'. Which was a carefully-calibrated mixture of every stimulant known to mankind at the time. In a dose so strong that it was fractionally short of being lethal. She had a

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Challenge #01713-D252: A Lesson For All

"Bellringer Sale! 80% off". Then the bell began to ring. -- Anon Guest

The luckless staffmember ringing the bell was on a stone plinth that served most of its time as a display area that could also be sat upon if a shopper was desperate enough. The shoppers were not desperate for a seat, right now. What they were desperate for was a bargain.

A rolling sea of humanity, flooding the area. A surge made of pure greed.

There were no staff

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