Help Me Out

A 14-post collection

Wild, ravening plotbunny, free to a loving home

There is something desperately wrong with my head. I'm stressed to fuck and have worries out the wazoo, so what does my brain focus on?

Steam-Powered Victorian Romance Fluff.

Seriously.

I am suddenly ob-firkin-sessed with socially-awkward ASD Col. Peter A. Walter 1 repeatedly missing the increasingly unsubtle advances of Iris Tonia... who was hired by Pete1's father in the hopes of at least gaining one descendant.

The whole thing of Pete1 being invited to the Cavalcadium? Pete1's dad thinking: "That place is full of girls. He's got to bring one of them home."

Pity for him that they were mostly lesbians.

In desperation, he hires women from all walks of life and is like, "Lol, you won't get fired for macking on my son, HINT FIRKIN HINT."

Because Pete1 is 30-something, still living with his parents, and does not fathom in the slightest how to talk to strangers. Let alone strangers of the feminine persuasion.

Exhibit A: Delilah, the 50-foot tall mechanical giraffe that he made to try and impress that suffragette lass, "doctor" Moreau. Lad thinks its romantic. He needs help.

So SOMEHOW Iris makes it absolutely, positively clear that she likes him. Or she becomes visible by performing some feat of genius or otherwise being someone he relates to and they do teh sexx [lol] and everything seems peachy for about twenty seconds before - whoops - Becile is up to his cannon shenanigans.

While he's away, Iris discovers she's pregnant and discretely tries to inform Walter Snr in a way that wouldn't cause a major scandal. Walter Snr is all, "Fuck scandal, I'm getting me some grandkids. I know a bloke who can forge papers to your advantage, by the way. And if Pete1 dies in Africa, that's even better! He won't be a negative influence on the baby."

And Iris is like: "What the actual FUCK, dude? I'd rather starve to death in the gutter than have you anywhere near my child." But way politer so that he completely misses the fact that she now does not want to touch him with any length of barge pole.

[Yeah, I headcannon Pete1 being almost the polar opposite of his dad. Deal with it]

Iris spends her time at the Walter house avoiding everyone and being a housework ninja until Pete1 comes home. Cue absolute MONTHS of Iris trying to tell him about the pregnancy. Even the robots clue on way before their Pappy does.

So she goes as far as showing him the baby bump and bursting into tears about this uphill battle. Pete1 thinks she's been knocked up by some random cad, and offers his assistance in any way. Including fisticuffs.

Iris: You're the father, you dense son of a potato.

Pete1: (penny FINALLY drops) Oh. (spends twenty minutes staring vacantly at the wall) Do you want me to marry you? Because Father's a little... strange... about me getting him grandchildren. Maybe the baby would be better off without him.

Iris: Babies. It's twins.

Pete1: Oh that would be splendid. A boy and a girl all at once. I'd be good to them. Even if you don't want me to marry you. And I want to be good to you, too. (starts babbling about how helpful she is)

Iris: You're babbling.

Pete1: See? I was a mess when we met, and I'm lots less of a mess when you're near. Please stay?

And it's the closest he ever gets to a formal proposal but they still wait until after the birth because normal childbirth at the time is dangerous and twins were doubly so. And when all three survive, he takes her down the aisle so fast that there's Doppler Distortion.

And possibly a series about Relatively Sane Iris dealing with ASD Pete1, four baby robots, twin human babies, and assorted inventions in all their years together. "Oh, Peter..." gets to be her catch-cry. [You know, because I broke everyone's heart with Master (Last) Work]

I already have a lot of fanfic pots on the back-burner. Trying to focus on a spoopy tale or two [Also SPG-flavoured FYI] as well as the daily Instant and my firkin novel.

If I had a laptop, I could work on my fanfic any old where. Including those usually-dead wee small hours in the AM. Alas, the lappy I want is nearly AUD$2K. [FYI, I'm drooling towards a 13-inch Macbook Pro. The newer, thinner lappys look cool, but their storage capacity is shit.]

So... either take this plotbunny, give it to someone who can write it, or drop a significant donation up on top of the page. And even then, I can't really do it without the lappy :P

I will, of course, be updating my progress towards any of my goals [including either a new art tablet or a cintiq, because doodling when I'm supposed to be writing is my thing also]. BUT so far, my Paypal balance is still eighteen cents (US) and my bank balance is still three dollars (AU)... and my available cash is AUD$5.45

Please help?

Calling all beta-readers (this means you)

I only have ONE beta-reader’s opinions and suggestions back to me.

The sooner you get back to me, the sooner I can polish this firkin novel. The sooner it’s polished, the sooner I can flick it at agents and publishers and the sooner (I sincerely hope) it can be out on bookstores near you.

I need you all to get back to me. Even if you couldn’t keep reading - try to tell me where the point was and

Read more »

Actual free titles from C. M. Weller! You - yes you - can get these lovingly hand-crafted stories for absolutely nothing! You can just walk...

Actual free titles from C. M. Weller!

You - yes you - can get these lovingly hand-crafted stories for absolutely nothing! You can just walk away with all of these titles in your personal e-reader.

You can get:

ABSOLUTELY FREE!

These are all short stories so they need not take up your time. And since they’re e-books, you can read them anywhere that you can carry your e-reader of choice!

[And

Read more »

Throughout 2013, author C. M. Weller wrote a story a day, every day, based on challenges submitted via Tumblr users across the globe. Three...

Throughout 2013, author C. M. Weller wrote a story a day, every day, based on challenges submitted via Tumblr users across the globe.

Three hundred and sixty-five hand-crafted stories from that year are collected here for your convenience.

No scrolling necessary! No need to plough through Tumblr archives! No need to google that thing, just open up your copy of One Year of Instants and look it up or read it again!

And what’s the price? You’d normally

Read more »

The entire trilogy available now at Smashwords. How much would you expect to pay for a complete trilogy at a brick-and-mortar bookstore?...

The entire trilogy available now at Smashwords.

How much would you expect to pay for a complete trilogy at a brick-and-mortar bookstore? I’ve seen trilogies selling for anywhere between $30 and $100, depending on the fame of the author.

Well, for this trilogy you don’t have to pay $30. You don’t even have to pay as much as $10.

You get three books made of lovingly-handcrafted electrons for the less than $6!

Less than six dollars!

Read more »

Your attention please.

You may have noticed that I finally got the lead out and published the long-awaited third instalment to my trilogy: Hevun’s Gate.

You may have also picked up on the fact that I am more or less slightly broke.

So here’s a short list of things you can do that don’t cost you shit, but still help me out.

  1. Reblog anything you love. Like my short stories? Reblog them. Like my post about my book? Reblog

Read more »

Nature hated -for various reasons- vacuums, the teeny tiny screws that keep eyeglasses together, common language assembly instructions with...

Nature hated -for various reasons- vacuums, the teeny tiny screws that keep eyeglasses together, common language assembly instructions with clear diagrams, people who asked questions with answers that tempted fate, and space vessels named Enterprise.

Hevun’s Ambassador. Available February 14th, 2014

Ullyully uxinfree.

Read more »

Dear Followers:

Once again, I must ask your aid. The book I have coming out this Friday, Hevun’s Ambassador, needs some free advertising. This is the first one that’s actually going to earn me any income.

And this one is really tough, because I can’t write a lot of ad copy without giving massive spoilers.

You may have already seen this pic in my blog:

As well as the link to the book’s page.

Once again,

Read more »

I'm going on holiday for a bit

No worries, I have queued up some instant stories to cover my arse absence.

What I can’t do is tweet about them to spread the word while I’m gone.

So. For the next five stories, I would very much appreciate it if  you would tweet my stories to all your followers. If you add the hashtags, #free or #freefiction (along with a pithy explanation), they may even garner the attention of Free Fiction Daily which, I am certain,

Read more »

TWO MORE DAYS Sahra didn’t know why they were sending rats through blowed-up tunnels, but she reasoned she’d at least get good...

TWO MORE DAYS

Sahra didn’t know why they were sending rats through blowed-up tunnels, but she reasoned she’d at least get good pickings. Even mass credit would be good. Lots of loose bits.

They had her going real close to ore processing, and strapped some other stuff to her head.

“…ore should be cool enough to approach,” said one supervisor.

I almost feel sorry for these dumb animals.” said another.

Do you

Read more »

Good news, everyone!

I have a job.

A paying job.

I am now, officially, a journalist [talk about doing things backwards. Most writers start out as journos] for a soon-to-be-released online ladies’ magazine.

I have, over the past week, been working on some articles for it, usually two or three a day.

Today (Thursday) I was told I should be writing “pink and fluffy” pieces.

I must have earned a year off purgatory for not exploding at my best-beloved on a “

Read more »