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Amalgam Universe

A 806-post collection

Challenge #02137-E308: Ante-Shattering Presents...

a documentary series by an alien film crew about the cultures of pre-shattering nations of earth

this week Americans.

loud, obnoxious, wildly opinionated, and with a cultural love of guns so deep that it never left. -- Anon Guest

A warning to all Havenworlders: This feature contains footage of Deathworlders, containing Deathworlders, and about Deathworlders. It is intended as a cultural analysis of pre-Shattering Terran identity groups. This episodes contains multiple explosions, loud Humans acting in violent ways, and portrayals of open hostility amongst members of the same species.

Ante-Shattering Presents: North America - the United States.

There is one national identity built on lies, forged in genocide and enslavement, that purported to stand for freedom in all its forms. Despite being discovered by several other nationalities in the past, the residents picked a man with poor mathematics skills who never actually set foot on the main land mass as the individual who discovered it. Chief amongst those neglected parties were the people who were already living there, in civilisations more advanced than the invaders.

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Challenge #02135-E306: It's a Bit Like Bognor

Humans have 3 states of existence. Yes, No, and hold my drink. -- Anon Guest

Thax had never met a Human before, but it was highly advisable that she get one for her expedition into the Edge Territories. The information available was... incredibly scant. Well. The information that wasn't also attached to an offensensitivity warning.

Humans have three states of existence, it said, Yes, No, and "Hold My Drink". They were Deathworlders, but they were also classed as "Mostly Harmless" until provoked.

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Challenge #02134-E305: Terms of Combat Have Changed

A single inescapable fact is that humanity united with infinitely greater purpose in pursuit of war than they ever did in pursuit of peace. -- Anon Guest

Humans are not good at sharing, they say. Their origin planet was divided into thousands of groups identifying themselves with borders, religion, and culture to define battling clusters. When all of those were in common, lines divided amongst economic, gender identity, skin tone, and creedic boundaries.

All it took was one contact with visiting alien

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Challenge #02133-E304: Forewarned is...

Humans love things that explode. "Ooh look! fireworks." -- Anon Guest

Things that Humans love that go bang in various ways: a list compiled by non-Humans.

  1. Popping candy. Effervescent crystals encapsulated in chocolate and sugar. When dissolving in saliva, produce a crackling sensation in the mouth and sinuses. Harmful to those with theobromine sensitivity, but otherwise mostly harmless. Offensensitivity rating: low.

  2. Popcorn. Grains originating from the American continents, heated until the water inside the grains bursts through their own hard casing. Consumed

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Challenge #02133-E304: Mislaid

"Did anyone see a tank?"

"What colour was it?" -- Anon Guest

"Bright flakking red," said Human Jen. Like all things that came from a Human's mouth, it was difficult to tell whether that was sarcasm, a joke, or the truth. This was something of a hindrance in a Military Replica Driving Range.

Thorkak took a deep, cleansing breath, and tried again, "For clarity of understanding, are you searching for a mechanical tank, a fish tank, or a garment tank?"

Human Jen

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Challenge #02131-E302: Strangers in a Very Strange Land

planetary survey on new world gets progressively jaded as they meet real mythical animals -- Anon Guest

Welcome to Mythos. Here, there be dragons. For real, actual dragons. They don't breathe fire, but they do have an acidic spray from their own digestive tract that's almost as bad. Their original gengineers started with the largest Terran lizard - the komodo - and worked at it from there. They're sluggish and make nests out of shiny objects to attract their mates. Beyond that,

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Challenge #02127-E298: Cruel and Unusual

"I swear, if you press that button one more time, I will end you!" -- Anon Guest

In all the universe, no instrument of chaos has ever been more diabolical than the demo button. There's certainly a Hell where the damned is a stocker for aisled upon aisles of toys with demo buttons and hyperactive children who press them all as they go by.

Swarm Leader Yrtuq is certain of this as a small child presses a button on a brightly coloured

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Challenge #02126-E297: Uncommon Ground

"You're 'Clancy of the' where was it again?"

"The Overflow."

"You're a laundryman?" -- Anon Guest

Human Daz spared a dubious glance towards Rilthi Baz and wondered, not for the first time, if she was being very gently wound up. "Uhm," she said. "What?"

Clancy just sighed. "Yeah... an 'overflow' is an area where the flood waters tend to overflow. When the river floods, that's where the excess water goes. Good for grasslands and grazing."

"Also rice," added Human Daz. "I'm guessing

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Challenge #02123-E294: I Can't See My House From Here

A combined research team of a number of species of the galaxy invents a device that is capable of accelerating any object to significant portions of C, the human member of the team proceeds to be a human. -- Anon Guest

The breakthrough came, as breakthroughs often do, by accident. One person noticed that the interference on their experimental quantum computer was too regular to be just interference. The paired electrons weren't merely paired. They were grouped. They were grouped with other

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Challenge #02116-E293: Lest Ye Be Judged...

we poisoned our air and water to weed out the weak.

we set off fission weapons in our own biosphere.

we nailed our GOD to a stick.

humans are the monsters that monsters fear.

the demons lurking in the void. -- Anon Guest

Offensensitivity warning: Deathworlder studies, Human content.

Planet Terra, aka Earth. Origin point of the species who call themselves Human. Though a class 4.5 Death World, the intelligent life from there rates a 5. Here, we will examine the

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Challenge #02114-E291: Unlikely Friendship on Courier Fifty-eight

Ship's human and the Anti Gravity Drive keep company. -- Anon Guest

[AN: It's the Gravity Drive, but I get it]

This drive was one of the loners. It did not need constant Nae'hyn attention to do its work. It knew the route better than the Captain. It got family visits, of course, but Human Gar kind'a felt in kindred with it. Human Gar had took this particular mail route because it met her needs for social contact - otherwise known as

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Challenge #02113-E290: Simple Communication

"I said no!"

"You said yeah!"

"Are you insane? I said yeah, nah! That means NO!!" -- Anon Guest

"Are you insane?" asked Gork. "That is not a clear means of communicating a positive or a negative."

Human Baz glared down at the little alien in her care. "It's perfectly understandable to everybody," she said.

Gork flinched at yet another explosion. "Not to this somebody," he said. "We look for affirmation or negation first. We do not wait for further elucidation."

Support

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Challenge #02110-E287: Dealing in All Directions

"Ooh, look! Shiny!" -- OohLookShiny

Priff reached out to restrain the Human before ze even turned to look, saying, "Human Will. No." The main problem with Human Will was that they so very often lived up to their name. Whatever a Human should not do, that Human will.

"But it's so shiny," protested Human Will.

"Yes, it is shiny," agreed Priff, urging Human Will further away from the glittering display. "It is also expensive and very likely to be fragile. Do you

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Challenge #02109-E286: Meat-ing Place

The Galactic community knows that the human race is omnivorous and that they sometimes prefer meat when stranded or when supplies are low, willingly giving up one dietary options to any remaining crew in order to save them. It was a smart evolutionary path that many alien scholars believed was essential for surviving such a deadly world like Terra.

But no one could have foreseen how much the human race could love meat. Covet it. And fight for it so strongly that

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Challenge #02107-E284: Picking Sides

“You’re fired from the War. In fact, you’re entire adrenaline-crazy species is fired from the War!”

“Umm... I don’t think that’s how that works.” -- Anon Guest

"Breach of contract," howled Admiral Nagisok. "I've been criminally mislead. You were supposed to excel at war."

"Yeah, we do," said Human Sam.

"LIES!" Nagisok pointed out to the battle map, where thousands of points of light were blinking on and off. "You've made this war far worse than it ever

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