Submission

Challenge #00844-B113: In Vino, Vastitas

Now, I’m not a philosopher, but I AM drunk at this moment, so I’ll attempt to discuss philosophy within my own limited eckshp- expewir- …Stuff.

“Na, na, na, na, na, na. Y’ can’t do that,” said his drunken mate. “There’s a rule, right? Anything you attempt drunk, right? Anything… you try t’ do drunk… ‘S gonna end in d’saster.”

“She’ll be right, mate,” said Kevin. “Ph’los’phy’s jus’ words, innit? Can’t hurt anybody wif just words. It’s like… noise… duzn’ hurt.”

“I’m tellin’ ya, Kev. I’m tellin’ ya. I’m tellin’… I’m tellin’… What w’s I tellin’ ya?”

“Neveryoumindit, Bazza. We’re golden. See, thing ‘bout ph’los’phy is…”

*

It was later. They both had splitting headaches. And, apparently, an attending crowd of rapt followers.

“The hell’s going on?” said Bazza.

“Who or what must we eliminate next, Master?” said a follower. They had a weird and unblinking stare.

Kevin peeked up from the pillows. Took one look at the assembled cult and muttered, “Oh fuck me. You were right.”

There were fifty volunteers.

[Muse food remaining: 13. Submit a prompt! Ask a question! Buy my stories!]

Challenge #00843-B112: Relics of a Previous Age.

I think that I’ve never seen anything so stupid and so practical in all my life.

They called it The Archive of Earth. A massive tomb devoted to the Twentieth Century. And Shayde had, through adventure and misadventure, inherited the lot.

“How much of this stuff is plastic?” wondered Rael.

“Uh. After the Twenties? Loads.” Shayde was particularly uninformative, unpacking the vaults and sorting random objects. The swarming Archivaas had left her to deal with everything they didn’t recognise. Which

Challenge #00842-B111: Complaints Department

Person who brought the bomb: ‘You’re genuinely offended by the fact that we didn’t bring big enough bombs?’
Person they were trying to blow up: ‘I’m offended by any job poorly done, but that’s not the prime issue.’

“You call that an explosion,” griped the target. Lord Bottomsbury. “You call that an explosion?”

“Er,” said Kieth, would-be assassin. “I thought it’d work?”

“Honestly. This is not the death I paid for.”

“I’m sorry, it’s my

Challenge #00841-B110: When Clint Met Natasha

Some men get so nervous if a lady shows up at the restaurant with a box of explosives.

Budapest. Some years ago.

He thought he had been discretely
following her, right up until the moment she sat down opposite him at the cafe. She gave him a winning smile and a, “Sorry I’m late, darling.
Caught up in shopping.”

Quick handsigns. Three bogies. Armed. Target you. No look.

“That’s okay, sweetie,” he said, making sure the nearby shrubbery blocked him

Challenge #00840-B109: Penfold... Hush.

If we never meddled in powers we did not comprehend, how would we gain comprehension?

“Uh… by examining them with science? Preferably by non-invasive, passive means first?” suggested Penfold.

Blenkinsop glared at her. “Honestly. You’re such a wet blanket.”

“Wet blankets survive fires, Blenkinsop. All I’m asking is that you pay attention.”

She sighed and folded her arms. “Really.”

“Yes. There is a reason why you found these tools and instruments in the middle of a ruined temple. In

Challenge #00839-B108: Infodump

You know you’ve over explained something when you make a robot’s eyes go glassy.

“…and when he looks out the window, there’s this long shot that doesn’t make any sense? ‘Cause they’re in a left hand? But it’s a right hand? And that’s how you know that it’s another ship?”

T0B0r blinked. Dazed. “…this does not answer my question…” ze managed.

“And then when she escaped? You can clearly see she’

Challenge #00838-B107: Pret a Porter

Creating accommodating clothing and furnishing and such for the possibility that the wearer/user is taller or shorter or fatter or thinner than the average human being seems difficult enough for most modern manufacturers…

…what if they suddenly had to accommodate customers possessing other outside-the-average features… like additional pairs of arms, a snake’s tail instead of legs, an extra head or two, wings of various types, centauric forms, or other formerly-just-mythic anatomy?

The familiar complaint, “Oh, they never have anything in

The Telephone Game, Divine Edition

A religious organization (modern or fictional), after following their particular holy text (or at least it’s translated editions) for centuries/millenia, if given a drastic and alarming shock one day, when their deity appears to tell the vast majority of them, basically, “Who told you I said all this? I never asked you to act like this at all, most of it is your own ideas! You’ve got everything completely wrong!”

(#00837-B106)

The day of Festival was in full swing.

Elvis has left the building

It’s August 1977, news has spread that Elvis Presley has died. For Amy & Zerachiel this is a problem. Niether can find them. Their department heads are furious, the records show that the King has just dissappeared and if Amy and Zerachiel can’t come up with the goods they’re fired. Might be that he’s not even human, mortal or even subject to either of their departments.

Amy = plain clothes demon
Department = Hell, collection agency

Zerachiel = plain clothes angel

Challenge #00835-B104: Close Encounters of the Blurred Kind

More encounters between the spider-people and humans, pre- or post-Amity

Ten weeks prior to Amity’s re-introduction to the Galactic Alliance…

Salvage spacers tended to have short names. Monosyllabic and easy to pronounce in an emergency. So it was with Mar and Dee. Both women had longer names, but such names were exclusively on their paperwork.

“I’ve been on this hulk before,” said Dee, pointing to a conglomerated wreck in their pathfinder screen. “There’s an enormous colony of BFS on

Parents just don't understand adventuring...

“You think because you killed a few dragons that you’re some kind of big man? Too big to show your elders respect? I’m your mother, I once wiped your poopy bum with my bare hands, so I’m not impressed by your antics, mister ‘vanquisher-of-armies’. Why don’t you ever visit, or at least write now and then?”

(#00834-B103)

Hrothgar the Mighty - Conquerer of All, Ruler of
the Five Kingdoms, Dragonslayer, Master of the Mighty Voice - took off

Challenge #00833-B102: ...Okay?

This post:
http://azzandra.tumblr.com/post/116731684146/fleshwater-matt-the-blind-cinnamon-roll
(list of weird things humans do like losing baby teeth to grow a second set, then:
“At some point, the aliens aren’t going to know anymore when we’re actually trolling them.
Us: Under certain circumstances, humans have been known to spontaneously develop the ability to breathe fire.
Alien: yeah, okay, that fits in with the other wacky bullshit you guys can do.”)

The humans walked out of the airlock, male and

Challenge #00832-B101: Picnic in the Park

The final holiday on Earth prompt - Author’s choice as to what the human shows their friend again, but this time everything is finally perfect.

[AN: This story happens somewhere in the middle of #00830-B099]

What
bothered Rael the most about travelling the Earth with Shayde was how easily she switched languages and habits to match her environment.

For
instance, as they marched steadily and almost silently through the Australian wilderness, she was singing an ancient song. Thousands of
years old

Challenge #00831-B100: Fun Park a la Deathworld

Holiday prompt the third! Author’s choice what the human shows their companion, as long as it goes pear-shaped

[AN: This story precedes yesterday’s]

Deathworlder entertainments are not advised for non-Deathworlders, said the Wikipedia Galactica, only the native life forms of a Deathworld can withstand even the most allegedly gentle of their entertainment vehicles. Though the Deathworlders insist that these entertainments are safe, be advised that they are only safe for Deathworlders.

Rael could easily believe, and understand those words, now.

Challenge #00830-B099: Comfort Food

The holiday continues, introducing the friend to things like non-irradiated cheese, actual lemons, and real dumplings

It started small. Well, comparatively small. A steaming curry at a van vendor, swimming in grease and overloaded with turmeric rice.

What followed was a tour of all the places that still sold unsuitable or unexportable food. Haggis, Casu marzu, Lutefisk. Pizza cones. Powdered doughnut pancake surprise. Death By Chocolate cake.

And now it finished here.

If it wasn’t the birthplace of Unsuitable Food Eat,

Menu

A 900-post collection

Challenge #00844-B113: In Vino, Vastitas

Challenge #00843-B112: Relics of a Previous Age.

Challenge #00842-B111: Complaints Department

Challenge #00841-B110: When Clint Met Natasha

Challenge #00840-B109: Penfold... Hush.

Challenge #00839-B108: Infodump

Challenge #00838-B107: Pret a Porter

The Telephone Game, Divine Edition

Elvis has left the building

Challenge #00835-B104: Close Encounters of the Blurred Kind

Parents just don't understand adventuring...

Challenge #00833-B102: ...Okay?

Challenge #00832-B101: Picnic in the Park

Challenge #00831-B100: Fun Park a la Deathworld

Challenge #00830-B099: Comfort Food