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Myths Illogical

A 198-post collection

Challenge #01047-B315: Economy Exorcism

http://haberdashing.tumblr.com/post/133438233764/breelandwalker-witchbxi-spirit-haunts-a -- Gallifreya

They looked like the typical whitebread couple who scoffed at the warnings that their new home was haunted until things got beyond the line of wilful ignorance. Candace listened to their story, and it ran the entire gamut of that sad story.

They fell in love with the place. Didn't believe in the supernatural. Laughed at the thought of ghosts. Little incidents escalated. And they escalated quickly. And the next thing they knew, blood was dripping out of the walls and an invisible hand was scrawling death threats in it.

Candace then found a couple of pans in the kitchen and opened all the doors and windows.

"You aren't going to light a candle?" said the Janet Weiss type.

"Don't need 'em," said Candace.

"If you need blood," began the Brad Majors type.

"Don't need that, either." She started in the furthest point from any of the doors. And crashed the pans together without any need for rhythm or meter. Just a need for noise. "GET THE FUCK OUTTA THIS HOUSE, YOU WISPY BASTARD! YOU'RE NO LONGER WELCOME IN THIS HOUSE! RACK OFF! SKEDADDLE!" And then she began some off-tune caterwauling in the general theme of So Long, Farewell, Auf Weidersehn, Goodbye.

Brad and Janet were understandably confused. Cowered out of Candace's way as they watched in shock and awe.

When it was over, Janet risked, "Why did you do that?"

Candace put the pans back away. "Ever wonder why they set off fireworks and make a big noise at new years? It's the same principle. If there's anything a ghost hates, it's a spirited party."

They didn't get the pun. The Brads and Janets of this world never did.

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Challenge #01044-B312: Self-Aware Adventurer

Because I am here...

...I can protect my friends.

but

Because I am here...

... my friends must fight. -- Anon Guest

There's usually two reasons why the prophecy only names the Chosen One. Neither of them are very good. Either they didn't make friends during their epic quest... or their friends fell by the wayside.

Claire refused to let her friends die for her.

She did everything she could to protect them. To help them survive the battles that the Scourge sent

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Challenge #01040-B308: The Tenant

It doesn't count as a haunting if the ghost pays rent. -- Gallifreya

[AN: ARGH, so tempted to make this another Undertale fic...]

There's an old gold digger who shares my house with me. He died in his mine, somewhere under where my house is. And I only know that from researching the history.

He's a quiet fellow. I only see him in mirrors. Dusty, of course. Old canvas pants, held up with braces, and shirtsleeves. He comes up after dark, but

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Challenge #01032-B300: Cursed Blessing

"Maybe we all have little magics, the kind that you don’t realize you have. Just tiny things that make your life slightly better but are completely unnoticed on the outside."

http://akai-kaede.tumblr.com/post/132171243204 -- Anon Guest

They call it the Quirk. It's nothing big. Sometimes, people notice. Sometimes, it remains ignored by all but that special someone who loves everything about you.

And it's only recently that it's become common knowledge. My co-worker at the Bargain Barn? Freaking

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Challenge #01029-B297: One Post-Adventure Evening in a Village Tavern

Creating a volcano is the most important part of a stealth mission, I guess. -- RecklessPrudence

All eyes slowly turned towards the Rogue at the table.

"What volcano?" said the Knight.

The Rogue grinned. "Damn, I'm good..."

The Mage sighed into their tankard. "They're calling it Mount Wat," they said. "It's where the evil dungeon used to be. Some people take the words, 'purge it with fire' entirely too literally."

The Rogue cackled. "You did say it was to save the world.

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Challenge #01027-B295: One Terrifying Adventure in a Hidden Bunker

Person #1: Was this place built on an old well, or a burial ground or something?

Person #2: No [Person #1], weren't you paying attention? This whole mess is the result of somebody bringing Nazi Magitech back from WW2 Germany instead of burninating it like any sane person would. -- RecklessPrudence

"Ooooh," cooed Kevin. "So that's why everything is all over swastikas and lightning bolts, right?"

"Eeeh," Allie shrugged. "Sort of. My research indicates that the artefact kind'a possessed the interior decorator

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Challenge #01023-B291: No Such Thing as Normal

This poem: http://bonehandledknife.tumblr.com/post/130524095600/if-you-are-a-monster-stand-up-if-you-are-a -- RecklessPrudence

They called it the DevilPurge, and they came for all the creatures of the night. They came politely, with notarised invitations and assortments of red tape.

They helped the vampires move out. They assisted the werewolves. They kindly and gently moved the mausoleums of the undead. They bussed the witches, wizards and warlocks into a faraway place on the very borders of the kingdom.

To make things better, they said. To

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Challenge #01022-B290: The Thirteenth House

Haunted House? So what. http://bonehandledknife.tumblr.com/post/131049565560/tbonechessor-leftbouquetarbiter-listen-ok -- RecklessPrudence

It was, of course, a fixer-upper. With their credit rating, the Smiths could afford little else. Callie looked up at the looming heap of crumbling Victorian glory and sighed. "It's another haunted one," she monotoned.

"Come on, Callie... The odds have to be in our favour, one time."

Callie just sighed. This was the twelfth such house they'd lived in. She was beginning to see the pattern. "There's history,

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Challenge #01020-B288: Feel the Burn

This post: http://babblingbug.tumblr.com/post/131643642080/xtremecaffeine-copperbadge -- RecklessPrudence

[AN: Reblog that post with a linkie]

"The jingles, O my Powers, the jingles..." complained Wayne, apprentice of the Darkening Arts. "All night! It just kept singing them all night... I can't get them out of my head."

"But you got it in your head, right? You can remember all this shiz?" asked Davies.

"It's a terrible price. I thought a music demon would be harmless. I did all the cantrips.

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Challenge #01019-B287: Tough Assignment

Another one of these, please: http://thepreciousthing.tumblr.com/post/121702150607/finding-flight-okay-but-imagine-a-medieval -- RecklessPrudence

He went where he was summoned, of course. Demons did not have much in the way of free will. He did not question why.

What he did question, after he appeared in several appealing guises, was why it was not working. He was the living embodiment of hot, muscular temptation. He could even do doughy, fuzzy temptation. And he did, just in case.

He could not get a

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Challenge #01009-B277: What's Nice About Prophecies?

Prophecy Wreckers, Local 182 -- RecklessPrudence

"See this?" The union Chief waved a battered tome. "This is why prophecies are vaguely-worded and open to interpretation. These 'nice and accurate' prophecies are going to be the end of us!"

The Chair opened it at random. The first prophecy her finger fell on read, "Ygnorre thif ye daft olde fool. Thif if being myne gift to myne defendantf."

"Er," said a fellow member, reading over the Chair's shoulder. "I think she knew about us.

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Challenge #01008-B276: Draco Persistent

Always be yourself.

Unless you can be a Dragon.

Then be a Dragon. -- RecklessPrudence

The subject stood between two doors. Three, if one counted the one they'd just entered.

"The choice lies before you," said the oracle. "You can return to the world you once knew, to the self you once knew, and only remember your time here as a dream. You can transform, again, and fly with the dragons, and remember everything. Or... you can chose to retain the life

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Challenge #01006-B274: Love Cancels Out

http://soggywarmpockets.tumblr.com/post/131148066044

Any expansion on this presumably adorable relationship. -- Anon Guest

[AN: That post makes me LOL every time]

It was fairly common to see Barbarians and Bards as couples, but an Evil-aligned Barbarian and a Good-aligned Bard? That caused some talk. Especially when they started.

Both their parties had disowned them. The Evil Overlord whatsisface had essentially excommunicated Borgog, and the Good King somebeardedguy had declared Tuergar Trueheart a traitor to his people.

Tears, of course,

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Challenge #01000-B268: One Turmultuous Afternoon in an Evil Keep

Hero: Powered by Love? You? You of all people, your most powerful magic, the attack that can devastate an army of battlemages, reduce a warded fortification and everyone in it to dust, and you claim it's powered by LOVE?!

Villain: Yes. Divorce rates go up measurably every time I use it.

(Bonus if it's a twisted form of a spell that would usually be fueled by the user's love, without consuming it) -- RecklessPrudence

"There's no love spell in the world that

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Challenge #00987-B256: A Question of Choice

http://outofcontextdnd.tumblr.com/post/129256209619/yet-another-reason-to-not-have-children-you-dont

“Yet another reason to not have children: You don’t want the batspider to visit you.” -- Anon Guest

"Bat... spider," repeated Hero. "I've never heard of the like. Is it a bat with spider legs, or a spider with bat wings?"

"It's like a Drider, but with the body, wings and head of a bat, 'stead of a drow," said the villager. "It takes all but one in ten of our children an' our

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