Humans Are Weird

A 170-post collection

Challenge #02914-G357: Ia Ia Lobby F'thagn

Lobsters do not die of old age and don’t stop growing. They die when they become too big to moult properly. So we’re gonna take a lobster and help it moult over generations, and create a Leviathan god -- Anon Guest

Humans don't take theories at face value. They like to prove things in practice. They like to answer questions with, "We tried it and..." This could be either seen as a flaw or a benefit. It generally comes out as both at once. Take the Immortal Lobster Project. ...please.

The theory that lobsters are technically immortal was one that Humanity accepted for years on Earth. There was no actual way to test that for that length of time. Then someone actually put thought into how to do so. It involved a big tank, a team of scientists dedicated to monitoring such a thing for generations on end, and increasingly elaborate devices to assist in the moulting.

Followed closely by increasingly enormous tanks for the experimental lobster. From desk size to room size to pool size to house size to an entire bay. When it got to the point of submarine stations and underwater machinery, there was significant murmuring to cease the experiment. After all, hadn't they proved the point?

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Challenge #02912-G355: All in Good Fun

A: you’ll never catch me!

B: bold and words for some in BFG range

As the human pulls the trigger a stream of foam balls fly across the room

C: what does BFG stand for anyway?

B: Big Foam Gun, what else?

C: well I thought it was Big F** Gun, but that works too. -- Anon Guest

"Well, that's what it used to stand for, pre-Shattering or something. I think. I'm not that up on my entertainment history. Most of

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Challenge #02907-G350: You're Worth Fighting For

Human A: "If you try to kill yourself, I will fight you."

Human B: "...I would not win that fight."

(Note: This is part of a conversation that I actually had with my suicidally depressed partner. And yes, if I thought he was going for it, I would totally fight him.) -- Anon Guest

This, alarmingly, was a common conversation between the two Ship's Humans of the Fanciful Deal. Human Zae had issues that manifested as periodic bouts of severe depression. Their

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Challenge #02906-G349: Warmed in the Weave

The human was both engineer and bodyguard aboard a ship of havenworlders. In their down time, they enjoyed both knitting and crocheting. They had an old blanket that they'd kept from when they were a child and, when things went bad, it comforted them after the event had passed and the enemies were defeated. A way to calm themselves. Having an idea, they began to make small, soft, blankets, one for each of their havenworlder crewmates. After all, why should they be

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Challenge #02904-G347: Ancient Terran Humour

trust me -- Anon Guest

[AN: Link leads to a black page with a purple button that also reads TRUST ME. If you click it, you get a page full of the Pokemon Ditto dancing to The Conga. You will definitely get fired if you're caught viewing this in the office]

This was a vault made by Humans. The way to get through varying doors was to solve puzzles involving bits of Human culture that -according to the Humans who made it-

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Challenge #02882-G325: Forging ahead

The human was highly recommended by everyone the crew asked when it came to being a security officer. They were diligent, highly intelligent, made friends easily, in fact many of the crew still talked to them from time to time. The only caveat tended to be, they didn't want normal crew quarters to sleep in, they always asked for a storage bay. Why? Well, they collected blades. But not all blades, only unique ones. But that wasn't the only reason.

I decided

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Challenge #02876-G319: Horror of the Baby-Sat

Parent: Thank you so much for agreeing to watch the baby for me. Also, I'm sorry.

Babysitter: Sorry for what?

Parent: The baby has worked out how to do vocal distortion.

Baby: G̷͕̯̻̎̓̉͛̑̀̂̇̀̐͋͘͘͝a̶̢̰͇͇̱͂̉͋́̓͐̂̃͂́́ ̷̧̖̝̱̽̈́͠ǵ̸̢à̴̳̲͍́̀͛̓̃͘̚͝ͅͅ -- Anon Guest

Parrots and very small children seem to share two common interests. The first is an apparent desire to destroy the universe around them via unexpected means. The second is the Dissonance Joke.

The otherwise cute and adorable Human toddler in Companion Lua's

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Challenge #02874-G317: Best Danger Noodle

Humans have interesting pets. Sometimes small, even almost harmless even by havenworld standards, sometimes terrifying. This human had one that was at the terrifying end. As they came aboard a ship of saurians, across their shoulders was a snake that was as nearly long as their body and very heavy. It seemed, however, content to remain curled there while the person introduced them to "little slinky." A snake they'd raised from an egg. -- DaniAndShalii

[AN: Submission included a picture of an

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Challenge #02863-G306: Nothing That's Worth a Lot

A human had a poetry book that they took everywhere with them and enjoyed sitting and reading when they had time. Admittedly, time could be few and far between with their job. One poem she recited softly to herself from time to time had her liaison curious and he asked what it was she was muttering to herself. Her reply confused him because she stated it was a poem about nothing. But how could it be about nothing? All such works are

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Challenge #02862-G305: Song of Triumph

For what is a man, what has he got? If not himself then he has naught, To say the things he truly feels, And not the words of one who kneels, The record shows I took the blows, And did it my way. -- Anon Guest

It was a Human song of triumph, so of course it contained references to violence and, because of the culture of origin, going it all alone. Which is ridiculous. Society doesn't exist on an individual basis.

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Challenge #02860-G303: ART!

They had some pre-shattering videos they wanted to show their friends, a mixed group of havenworlders and level one and level two deathworlders. Once everyone was seated, they turned down the lights and began the video on the large screen. People, human-looking, painted up all in blue, playing techno music on improvised instruments. A fun, amusing, experience for the humans, but maybe a little confusing, if still fun, for everyone else.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLkfqwlBzZN1b_H5DYQX7F9Vfdcu8uMrTi -- Blue Rules

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Challenge #02852-G295: Her Name is Sweetums

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TDYDNTK_oo -- Anon Guest

It had to be a service animal, because it was wearing Medik red and Therapy black. Typical to Human delineation of 'pet', it had a small hat attached to its head via a loop of elastic. That, in combination for the vest/leash arrangement was a clear sign that the Human on the other end of the leash would rather sever a limb than part with the animal.

It was also

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Challenge #02837-G280: A Listening Problem

The human was dragged into medical by their friends. Well, "dragged" is a bit of a strong word, considering that if the human really didn't want to go, they wouldn't have, but they weren't willing to risk injuring their friends by struggling too hard.

The problem? Hives. Bumpy, red, itchy hives, all over the human's body.

When questioned, they said "I'm allergic to stress." -- Anon Guest

"Look, I'm going to be fine," protested Human Hen, who was obviously not fine. "I

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Challenge #02835-G278: No Added Chemistry

And what, exactly, do you know of addiction? -- Anon Guest

"Just because I don't indulge in the standard recreational chemicals for my species doesn't mean I don't know what addiction is," argued Human Kae. "I seek my serotonin in other things. You might think they're safe, but they're harmful if I'm not on guard. You just haven't caught me in a spiral, yet."

Companion Riik puzzled at this. Sure, ze had recreational chemical issues and therapy for that was always a

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Challenge #02831-G274: Observer Effect

An extraterrestrial puts together a video showcase of human do-it-yourself and educational videos, open to the general public who wants to learn more about humans. They have even been smart enough to include offensensitivity warnings so havenworlders can avoid the appropriate films. Included in the film line up is:

Mythbusters

Nailed it

Naked and Afraid

The Darwin Awards -- Anon Guest

[AN: Of the four listed here, only one is in any way instructional other than "learn from my mistakes lol". Real

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