Realm of the InterNutter

Thoughts, stories and ideas.

Challenge #00319: In Memorium

Found on a gravestone, “Name, date-date, (Killed 99 bears) We pray he has found rest”

We pray he found rest. We’re not sure, but we hope so, because nobody ever found a body, and 99 may not have been enough.

(replace bears with appropriate sentient or nonsentient species at your discretion, especially in the case of early-contact humans :P)

If any being needed any further proof of human insanity - besides ten minutes’ contact with any number of the species - all they had to do was visit Memorial Moon at Velliguas Three.

There is a temple, there. Carved out of a mountain. With Bas-reliefs depicting heroic deeds. And a statue of a human in a space suit and in a heroic pose.

And a plaque.

ANDREW JONES, it reads, 234598-234632. Destroyed 99 planet-eaters. We pray he has found his rest.

Then the visitor reads about the exploits in the Bas-reliefs. Sees the recorded videos depicting skin-of-teeth, seat-of-pants, luck-of-idiots combat style that ended ninety-nine of the swarming creatures that ate planets.

The hundredth planet-eater… destroyed the vessel Jones was piloting. The Velligulae never found any remains to bury, though they did have to gang up to vanquish the last of the beasts where one human had previously sufficed.

Put in association with the humans’ reputation for being unkillable, and one could see exactly why the Velligulae pray Andrew Jones found his rest.

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whatifyoubelievedme: catbug: screaming-at-the-constellations: That's fucking cruel I hate getting tips like this. I can't walk into my...

whatifyoubelievedme:

catbug:

screaming-at-the-constellations:

That’s fucking cruel

I hate getting tips like this. I can’t walk into my apartment office and say, “I don’t have money, but LET ME PAY YOU WITH THE WORD OF GOD!”

PSA: Don’t tip your severs/bartenders like this. We have bills just like you too.

someone should put one of these in the collection basket at their church and see how much they appreciate it. 


If these skid marks are regulars, they should

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Some questions should remain unspoken.

“I can’t believe you just said that. I am so glad they ended the call before they heard you.”

“What? It was a perfectly valid question.”

“I don’t care, it’s downright rude! And kind of disgusting.”

“But now you’re thinking about it, aren’t you?”

“…yes, damn you.  Next time you wonder something like ‘How do conjoined twins decide whose hand wipes

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Challenge #00317: Common Band

Different cultures, different vocal physiologies, and different mechanisms of hearing certainly make for interesting music nights.

Of all the past human phenomena that proved endlessly fascinating, the one that Rael could not turn away from was ‘channel surfing’. Every time either one of them found themselves at the other’s residence, Rael always let Shayde have the entertainment remote.

Not because she had good taste, but because what she did fascinated him.

Even the humans used to limited entertainments

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Challenge #00316: Sing-along

Humans burst into song spontaneously all the time, usually started just by one humming and becoming a little quartet or a vocalist and backing choir very suddenly.

Add in various aliens, and the somewhat macabre lyrics for the beginning of Bohemian Rhapsody

The humans called him Captain Ted. It was the closest they could get to Tyd'r'kaad and, compared to the many other things they said and did, it was only mildly annoying.

He was the first galactic captain to have

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socialjusticewankers: a man types his facebook status. “Women who participate in No Shave November will have to participate in No D...

socialjusticewankers:

a man types his facebook status.

“Women who participate in No Shave November will have to participate in No D December!”

fast forward days later. men everywhere get up to go to the bathroom. they pull down their pants, look down, and scream.

their penises have all vanished.

it is December 1. 

No D December has begun.

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Challenge #00315: Downhill From There

A Tragic Mispronunciation and its results

“This is all your fault!”

“Me? It was him that didnae recharge his teletubby.”

“Assistant.”

“Whatever.” Shayde struggled upright. "And he said he wanted a bubble-bath of oranges…“

"A meal at Unsuitable Food..”

“I was bein’ amenable.”

“You do not take Ambassador Maliik’s common nouns at face value!”

“Well I wasnae given the Cliff Notes!

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I'm not sure if I told you this already, but even if I did, it bears repeating: you were one of the first people who proved to me that...

You are now my favourite person. I got this message just as I’ve hit “the hump” in my writing.

The Hump, for those not in the know, is the point in which writing the story gets hard. It looks like it’s too far to reach the end and you, the writer, start wondering if it’s really worth finishing it at all.

Of course, I sort of have to. People reading book 1 are doing

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Police: Sex abuse arrests in Canada began with probe of company

Police: Sex abuse arrests in Canada began with probe of company

Take note, NZ. This is how you do it. You do NOT let child pornographers run loose because of who their dads are.

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Challenge #00314: Ekkritism

(Someone had a mispronunciation accident, this was the result)

Wolverine: Oranges

“Just a warning, Ambassador Maliik suffers from Ekkritism,” Rael murmured into Shayde’s ear.

“Aye? And what’s that when it’s at home?”

Translation: I know you’re trying to tell me something, but I have no idea what it means.

“He unfortunately mispronounces all names as common nouns with seemingly no relation to the original name.”

“Oh, this

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