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A 4875-post collection

Challenge #00328: ...and Wherefores

Gil took longer than most children to grow out of the “why?” stage (either Klaus or Von Pinn dealing with him at that age, you pick, I just want to see toddler!Gil and hilarity)

It was a little celebration amongst the rigger rats. They called it Family Day, and used it to remember the people they had left behind. Gil enjoyed the stories the others told but, when it came to his turn, his joyful mood fell to ash.

“I don’t have a family,” he confessed. “I don’t know where my home is.”

The others laughed at him. He ran away.

Von Pinn found him in the Escape Rig hangar, hiding between the emergency supplies and the mammoth baits. She reacted to his tears the way she reacted to anything outside of her field of order. With anger.

“Who harmed you?”

Gil automatically unfolded to show a lack of injuries. “They jus’ laughed at me, m’m,” he quavered. “Why don’t I have a family?”

“You do have a family,” Von Pin soothed. Or the closest thing she could get to ‘soothed’. “They are just… not here. Come along, this is a dangerous area.”

“Why?”

“Child, you are sitting next to poison in an area full of flying machines, with a door that leads to a five-thousand-foot drop. Which one of these features escaped your notice?”

“No, why is my family not here?”

Von Pinn picked him up by his suspenders and carried him at arm’s length. “Because they are located elsewhere.”

“Why?”

“Because they could not be here.”

“Why?”

“For your safety.”

“Why?”

Von Pinn tutted and rolled her eyes. “Young master Gil, are you asking to know or are you asking to annoy?”

“I wanna know. Where are they? Why aren’t they here? How can I be safe if I don’t have a mama or a papa? Who am I?”

“I give you leave to come to me after bedtime. I will tell you then.”

“Why?”

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Challenge #00327: A Gru-some Predicament

The minions have unionized and gone on strike

[AN: I just fell over backwards in the bathroom and did something horrible to my right arm. This fillet is being typed left-handed LIKE A BOSS. PS: it’s not broken, but it hurts like fuck]

“DE BA DO! DE BA DO!” the minions chanted, marching in circles in the underground complex that was both their workplace and their home. They carried placards with their grievances.

Alas, they were written in

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Challenge #00326: Metrics

“This homework has an unacceptably high cussing: work done ratio.”

Going to college was an eye-opening experience. Katie had seen the world, but little was more fascinating than white kids trying to be individuals when their own sphere of experience was very sadly limited.

The fact that she had become a kind of instant guru in her dorm because of her experiences was one shocker. The fact that someone had mistaken ‘in college’ for 'of age’ was

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Challenge #00325: The Unnypical

I’m tired of villains being the only representation of people who aren’t 100% mentally typical.  Show me a hero coming out as having anxiety disorder/depression/Asperger’s/something (I know not all of those are equal but you get my drift).  Show me a place in heroics for people like me, that isn’t either as a villain or locked up in an asylum, or both. (Marvelverse or DCverse would be awesome

[AN: Attempting to

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Challenge #00324: Those pesky living authors

Analysing the work of someone still living always runs the risk of “No, that’s not what I meant at all”

Page twenty. Not bad. Especially considering that she’d written it strictly for academia and not for the national newspapers. Her analysis of Hartnell’s greater literary works was getting a lot more notice than she had ever hoped for.

The phone rang. Of course she answered it.

“Hello,” said the voice on the

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Challenge #00323: But is it Art?

Toad has come along to one of Sara, Scott or anyone else’s art showings, and in this circle, his mannerisms seem to have accidentally passed him off as an expert or art critic. He’s having fun, and the artist is not sure whether to laugh at how the rich folk are swallowing all of it and buying the work, or cry at how wrong he is about certain bits.

It was one of Sara’s ‘sideshow&

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Challenge #00322: Amphibious

We haven’t heard from Todd for a while, or Mortimer, or any of your incarnations of mister Toynbee. Quick, what’s one of them doing right now?

Ha! This was the little bugger. He got it! He got the little bastard. Mortimer cackled to himself as he extracted the bug - Sammy’s pet phasmids had escaped and this one, sadly, never learned to stay out of electronics - from the system. He wrapped the sad remains in

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Challenge #00321: Cupcakes! Cupcakes! Cupcakes!

Nobody was entirely sure whether to curse the humans or begin worshipping them for introducing the cupcake to the galactic community. 

The human capacity for invention - alongside their notorious insanity, of course - knows no bounds. Therefore it should have been no surprise that both extended to their food.

Bread is universal. Leavening is not. Cake is known, and has saved some species from extinction. Fruitcake - a human seasonal delicacy - has saved civilizations.

And don’t get anyone

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Challenge #00320: Homo S. Cuisine

Considering how many toxic things humans ate, it was a little surprising that their cooking was not only edible, but delicious.

“YE-HE-HEEESSSSS! It’s here!”

The nervous Passeri crew gathered at a safe distance to watch the Ship Human - somewhere between lucky mascot and terrifying on-board entertainment - cackle and sing to herself.

They had been told that female humans were far more trainable than the males. That they were, on the whole, quieter and less dangerous than

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Challenge #00319: In Memorium

Found on a gravestone, “Name, date-date, (Killed 99 bears) We pray he has found rest”

We pray he found rest. We’re not sure, but we hope so, because nobody ever found a body, and 99 may not have been enough.

(replace bears with appropriate sentient or nonsentient species at your discretion, especially in the case of early-contact humans :P)

If any being needed any further proof of human insanity - besides ten minutes’ contact with any number

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Some questions should remain unspoken.

“I can’t believe you just said that. I am so glad they ended the call before they heard you.”

“What? It was a perfectly valid question.”

“I don’t care, it’s downright rude! And kind of disgusting.”

“But now you’re thinking about it, aren’t you?”

“…yes, damn you.  Next time you wonder something like ‘How do conjoined twins decide whose hand wipes

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Challenge #00317: Common Band

Different cultures, different vocal physiologies, and different mechanisms of hearing certainly make for interesting music nights.

Of all the past human phenomena that proved endlessly fascinating, the one that Rael could not turn away from was ‘channel surfing’. Every time either one of them found themselves at the other’s residence, Rael always let Shayde have the entertainment remote.

Not because she had good taste, but because what she did fascinated him.

Even the humans used to limited entertainments

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Challenge #00316: Sing-along

Humans burst into song spontaneously all the time, usually started just by one humming and becoming a little quartet or a vocalist and backing choir very suddenly.

Add in various aliens, and the somewhat macabre lyrics for the beginning of Bohemian Rhapsody

The humans called him Captain Ted. It was the closest they could get to Tyd'r'kaad and, compared to the many other things they said and did, it was only mildly annoying.

He was the first galactic captain to have

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Challenge #00315: Downhill From There

A Tragic Mispronunciation and its results

“This is all your fault!”

“Me? It was him that didnae recharge his teletubby.”

“Assistant.”

“Whatever.” Shayde struggled upright. "And he said he wanted a bubble-bath of oranges…“

"A meal at Unsuitable Food..”

“I was bein’ amenable.”

“You do not take Ambassador Maliik’s common nouns at face value!”

“Well I wasnae given the Cliff Notes!

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Challenge #00314: Ekkritism

(Someone had a mispronunciation accident, this was the result)

Wolverine: Oranges

“Just a warning, Ambassador Maliik suffers from Ekkritism,” Rael murmured into Shayde’s ear.

“Aye? And what’s that when it’s at home?”

Translation: I know you’re trying to tell me something, but I have no idea what it means.

“He unfortunately mispronounces all names as common nouns with seemingly no relation to the original name.”

“Oh, this

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