In case you missed it, this post happened: http://aaceofhearts.tumblr.com/post/57693374988/untitled-jazuthevulcanprincess-bogleech-its-funny
*falls to knees* I will worship you and give you my super secret world’s most awesome and diet-breaking brownie recipe if you will write anything at all inspired by this.
(I am totally serious about the brownie recipe, or any other cake recipe since I can’t deliver to your house. I do healthy food too sometimes)
[AN: I’m saving the rest of this for a book. Keep a weather eye open]
Before humans were insane…. they were dangerous.
Excerpt from the Galactic Core Manual of Hazardous Entities, prior to Planet Amity Incident:
[Pictured: Humans in their own warning message]
Species name: Human [h'yoo-mun]
Planet: Terra
Star: Sol
Details: Humans are bipedal mammals occupying all the land masses of the planet Terra. Data from their transmissions indicates that they are extremely hostile. Despite the fact that they are constantly killing other humans, they are breeding at an exponential rate.
The human female is capable of carrying as many as three live young in internal gestation and successfully birthing them live. Humans can also reproduce once every 360-day cycle. However, single and double births are far more common than triple.
Humans are capable of a maximum foot speed of 12 Distance Units per second, and a jumping height of 2 Distance Units, which exceeds their own height.
Humans are omnivorous in the extreme. They can devour toxic levels of capsaicin, and involve themselves in challenges where they expose their sense organs to the same toxic chemical [Reference File: Pepper Challenge. Not safe for minors].
Humans can withstand temperatures below the freezing point of water and up to the boiling point of water. With armor, they can go beyond those extremes.
Humans can survive dismemberment. If you encounter a human in an attack posture (bipedal figure on left) do not remove the limbs! Humans can not survive brain stem disruption. Destroy the head to render the human harmless.
Humans use and devour assorted acids, alkalis, toxins and controlled substances [Reference File: Cooking With Marie. Not safe for minors]. They engage in recreational activities in which bludgeoning an opponent is a primary goal [Reference Files: Boxing, Wrestling. Not safe for minors]. Other human recreational activities show they have little regard for personal safety [Reference Files: freehand rock climbing, base jumping, hang gliding, diving, parachuting. Not safe for minors].
Despite needing a nitrogen/Oxygen atmosphere to survive, they insist on entering hostile environments without sufficient survival equipment [Reference Files: Jaques Cousteau, Early Space Program. Not safe for minors].
Humans are hazardous for any environment they occupy. Humans will adapt their environment to suit themselves and push out or otherwise endanger other species [Reference File: World Wildlife Fund. Not safe for minors or cogniscents of a sensitive nature].
Humans are highly adaptable and can turn any object into a weapon [Reference File: Jackie Chan. Not safe for minors] and when without weapons, will use their bodies as a weapon [Reference File: Chuck Norris. Not safe for minors].
Humans can adapt to low-light conditions. Their eyes may be their primary sense organs, but they can navigate and orient also by sound and touch. Eliminating light or blinding a human can only temporarily incapacitate them.
HUMAN BITES ARE FATAL. The human jaw can exert pressures of 54 weight units, and the human mouth is a cesspool of bacteria and acidic fluids. If you are bitten by a human, seek immediate medical attention. Do not waste time killing the human. Allow others to do so for you. If you act immediately, you may survive a human bite.
Humans are intelligent. If placed in an unfamiliar environment, they can reason and experiment their way out [Reference File: The Cube. Not safe for minors]. Experiments conducted by brave explorers indicate that humans can navigate through structures alien to their initial range of experience [Reference File: The Abduction Files. Not safe for minors or cogniscents of a sensitive nature. Seek medical advice on sedatives to assist sleep following viewing].
Humans are inventive. They have travelled to their native satellite and sent machines beyond their solar system [Reference File: Pioneer. Parental guidance necessary for minors]. Evidence indicates that they have/will initiate deep-time colonies.
AVOID AT ALL COSTS. HIGHLY DANGEROUS.
*
There were precautions, and all of them had been taken. However, there was always a gap between probe data and actual colonization. And even then, it was a risk.
Planets once infested by humans were disaster zones, at best. At worst, they were still infested by humans.
T'reka adjusted her lifecorder and checked the signal strength. Good. Base camp was getting everything she was seeing, hearing, smelling and tasting. They were getting data from her handheld analyzer. And, most important, they were getting any vocalized notes she uttered on her expedition.
This island was teeming with toxic life. Potentially hazardous, yes, but also potentially beneficial. Science had proven that interesting biological toxins could have equally interesting medical properties. Under proper supervision. In controlled environments. With volunteers desperate enough to try something that was kill-or-cure.
T'reka’s job was to find new things on their new home that might advance the status of Numidid medical science during their long wait to catch up with the rest of the galaxy. Thus, she recorded everything.
If she hadn’t been indoctrinated in the dangerous philosophies of science, it might have ended differently.
But it began with an unfamiliar voice and an unfamiliar language. And a human hand petting her arm-feathers.
“Pretty birdie.”
T'reka froze. She’d been so involved with the local insects and trying to capture them that she hadn’t noticed the larger wildlife until it was literally on top of her.
Carefully. Slowly. Observer, analyze, record. For posterity.
This human had not attacked, yet. Therefore, it might not. This may yet be a breakthrough for science. And since she was a scientist, she was already doomed for an early death.
This human was not almost two Distance Units tall. It barely made it to one Distance Unit. It wore clothes, according to the transmission files, but no shoes or hat. It was in the middle of a toxic jungle with only pants and a shirt to protect it from the environment.
And, evidently, fascinated by T'reka’s arm feathers.
“Hello, pretty birdie,” said the human.
T'reka turned. Slowly, so as not to alarm the human. “This must be one of the human young,” she said into her vocorder. She kept her voice low, almost inaudible. “It indicates that there may be humans nearby.” T'reka set her audio pickup to maximum.
Humans used sound waves to communicate. If she was lucky, the computers could filter out some of their language. It wouldn’t be enough to create translations, but any knowledge was more. More knowledge was always worth the sacrifice.
The human turned away, listening to something T'reka couldn’t hear, and vanished into the undergrowth with a loud, “COMING MOM!”
T'reka crept along on the same vector.
Yes! There was a colony. Humans, building structures. Humans, digging in the soil. Humans doing things that looked like things that her own people were doing on a much safer continent.
And none of them were attacking each other.
“Fascinating,” she whispered. “Co-operative effort for the group. No hostile moves.”
One human did the attack posture to another. The other returned the gesture. No battle ensued.
“We may have been wrong about their hostility levels…” Even this brief observation told her that the source material was wrong on very many levels. It told her that humans did not do all of the things, or even a scant few of the things in the warning files, all the time.
Many humans she observed were not doing anything inherently hazardous.
“I will observe them from concealment,” she decided. “This warrants further study.”
[Muse food remaining: 19 (fic war prompts, 0). Submit a prompt! Ask a question! Buy my stories!]