Depression

Welp. Gotta do it today

I never got the message from Officeworks about the books, so I have to chase them down about it today. I gotta get lunchboxes, pay bills, and plan the laying-in-of-supplies.

Thank goodness I now know a place where I can get poppas and snacks by the crate.

I gotta get myself into enough gear to cook meals again. These last few weeks have been heat-and-eat when they haven't been purchase-and-gorge. Beloved's been enormously helpful, but they can't cook for me forever.

Nibbling seems to be taking the spoons I would use for meals. I either have to work out a new routine or start getting goops prepared in the slow cooker whilst I still have the energy... or figure out other ways to maintain my energies through the day.

And maybe, on bad days, it will be Instant Meals. Or make the kids cook.

Maybe it's the fact that I'm in a slump. Maybe it's because I usually don't eat until late in the day. Maybe unreasoning depression is kicking my arse worse than I thought it was.

And I have very little reason to be feeling this way. I have things under control, for the most part. I have the resources to get what we need. Heck, we're even witnessing an income from our little venture. Not lots, but enough to encourage us further in this venture.

I know where to get cheap eats to keep our money in the bank for extended lengths of time. Heck, I'm even pondering making some ice treats into plastic tubs so that we don't have to spend so much on ice cream for the kids. Chaos likes pear and pineapple enough. And the mango-anything combo continues to win, with or without cream.

Note for anyone who has a frozen treat machine - try to get unaltered cream rather than the thickened stuff. Thickened cream leaves a very buttery aftertaste and makes the mouth feel unpleasant. Alas, I've yet to find a cheap source of creme fresh.

I should -underline should- be okay with my place in life.

But I'm not. Hence, unreasoning depression.

I can only move onwards. Keep going. Keep looking after myself and keep organising life in our favour. It's the only tactic I have.

Aaaah holidays

There's something about the school holidays that just makes me want to lie in until my back aches. At least I wasn't waylaid by Steamworld Heist, today. Just a solid dollop of The Lazies.

I want to take care of a drift of boxed debris as part of tidying up for Yuletide, but Beloved insists that all boxes going into the big shed must be sealed and labled. I'm thinking of making Beloved to it with my help. It's a cool enough

3:07 AM

Well, fuck.

Beloved is out working so late that it’s early. And I have the shittiest time sleeping alone.

My feet hurt. It’s cold. And I think I might need the nebuliser because I haven’t been looking after myself.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck

And of course at 3AM I get thoughts like:

One day I will be problematic to somebody.

One day someone will dig up something I said in a previous decade that I cringe about even now.

ladyshinga: One of the more weird and frustrating things about depression to explain to people, especially concerned/worried loved ones, is...

ladyshinga:

One of the more weird and frustrating things about depression to explain to people, especially concerned/worried loved ones, is that you’re not suicidal really it’s just… sometimes you’re so… tired. You’re so apathetic, that… it’s not the active death of yourself that you’re wanting. That requires so much more energy than you have, and it’s too violent an act for what you want. There’s just sometimes this quiet and exhausted desire to

-_-

my morning got off to a lovely start at fuckit in the morning when Beloved came home and woke me up by going to bed

then i spent the rest of the morning trying to get back to sleep

only to finally have a dream about the alarm going off and actually waking me up TWO FUCKING MINUTES before the alarm actually went off

i’ve already had my coffee of the day and it’s not fucking working

the printer won’

I'm in a Mood...

It’s nobody’s fault but mine. I play these games with my own head that I can’t stop or turn around. Depressing shit below the cut. [TW: Thoughts of death]

The bad things count more than the good things, and the unresolved bad things just… keep… weighing me down.

I should be glad that I have three more followers… but I fret that none of them are going to buy my books when they

Feeling heavy

I feel heavy.

Not a physical heaviness. More a spiritual weight that drags me down to the point where I don’t feel like anything can lift me back up.

I don’t know why I’m feeling this down.

The house is clean. I’m on top of the laundry. I’m on top of the dishwashing. I’m on top of the floor - keeping it clean, that is.

I should be on top

I Can't Fix Everything.

I had a massive bout of depression, recently.

No, nothing epic. Just the kind that makes you feel like you’re backed into a corner and also that the gravity has been turned up by at least fifty percent.

I have been reading a lot of OWS and related topics. It’s sad for me that the greatest country in the world is threatening to implode because a few greedy arseholes find it more convenient to ship their investments to

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A 23-post collection

Welp. Gotta do it today

Aaaah holidays

3:07 AM

ladyshinga: One of the more weird and frustrating things about depression to explain to people, especially concerned/worried loved ones, is...

-_-

I'm in a Mood...

Feeling heavy

I Can't Fix Everything.