Myths Illogical

A 181-post collection

Challenge #01252-C157: A Friend for the Princess

Princess is Dragon -- Gallifreya

The tallest tower of the castle is the largest. The widest. The roomiest. And it has the largest windows. The Princess is held there, they say. They say that there's a dragon. They say that the Princess is the most beautiful creature that ever lived.

Toe had heard all the rumours, of course. How suitors came to see her, and often ran away. How some came with blades to conquer the beast of the tower. They went up, but they came down as rains of fine ash.

Toe was just a peasant. A kitchen Boy, whose job it was to take out the ashes, take in the deliveries, take the slops to the pigs, and take the blame. They let him sleep in the hearths and often used him to keep the chimneys clean. He spent his days in ashes and sacking and a constant rain of blows aimed at his head.

But in the nights... when everyone was asleep... he would climb the network of chimneys. Looking for the one that lead to the tower. He just wanted to see for himself. To take one, good look at the Princess. And to see what kind of dragon guarded her.

Toe always liked the storytellers. On the Sundays, when almost everyone was at church, he would listen to tale after tale about dragons. He liked the descriptions of them. How wide the wing. How long the tail. How shiny the scale. And he always cried for the dragon when it died. That was always a shame how the dragon had to die. It felt... wrong. What had the dragon ever done to anyone?

The one that some people say they saw in the night had never done anything. That was for sure. All it ever did was scare a few drunkards.

So whenever Toe had a hard time sleeping, he would climb the chimneys and look for the Princess' tower. Just to see a really real dragon.

Of course he got the fright of his life when he found it. Because he learned the secret that the King had been keeping from the entire country.

The dragon wasn't guarding the Princess. The dragon was the Princess.

Her bed was made of hard gemstones, and she was bigger than the biggest horse that Toe had ever seen. Her claws and scales were sharp and shiny. So much like the gems she slept on. The rumours had one thing right. She was the most beautiful creature that ever lived. Toe was probably around eight. Nobody had given him any birthdays, but he remembered five winters. That was good enough for him. He was probably eight, and he had fallen in love.

He forgot all about hiding and crept out of the soot to just see what her scales felt like.

She saw him before he left her hearth. "What are you?" she said. Her voice was sweet. Sweeter than honey. More melodious than an Elf.

He shrank back into the hearth, next to the smouldering embers. "Jus' Toe," he said. "'M a kitchen boy."

She turned about. She was so graceful and fluid. Her bones could have been quicksilver. Or magic. "Sure you aren't a soot demon, Toe the kitchen boy? You're black from head to foot."

"...like that anyway. They got me 'cause they said I wouldn't show th' dirt."

The scales of her snout were finer than seed pearls, and brighter than stained glass. And she sniffed at him. "I don't smell any weapons. You haven't come to defeat a dragon?"

"No, m'm. Not me, m'm. Killin' a dragon's the worst thing ever."

"And why is that?"

He couldn't help himself. He took the deepest breath he could and talked until he ran out of air to speak with, only to repeat the process over again. Dragons were just magnificent, of course. They could fly and live in volcanoes and be bigger and stronger than anything else and it was a crying shame that knights had nothing better to do than to kill dragons because if they killed all the dragons, there'd be none left and if they're all as pretty as Your Majesty, that'd make the world so sad because having no dragons would be way so much worser than having no unicorns or no elves or no fairies or no trolls. (gaaaaaaassssp) Dragons are way much more magic than any of the old fakers who come to the court. They only need to eat once a moon and they can go anywhere they want to but they choose to live near humans and who wouldn't want to see a dragon because they're all so graceful and he was just grateful for them existing at all.

The Princess caught him as he nearly passed out. And in her jewel-scaled arms, he told her everything he knew about Dragons because they were the best thing there was in the world.

It was the most he had ever spoken to anyone. It was the most he was allowed to say in his entire life. He wanted to share as much of his love for dragons as he could, despite the fear of a clip on his head or a stick to his legs.

The Princess Tarelli gave him a bath, and sent a maid for all the food that Toe could eat. She was only ten years old, and he couldn't believe it. She had a bathtub like a swimming hole and it could fill with water and soap and perfume and flower petals and milk and she could warm it with her own fire which was the best thing in the entire world and why couldn't knights just leave dragons alone because of this?

The maids were less at home with washing a filthy little kitchen boy, but he loved it. It was the first time he had ever had warm water to bathe in and the first time he hadn't instantly got mud on his feet. And the first time he had been dried by someone with a warm, fluffy towel. And they gave him real clothes like a courtier. Made of hemp instead of rough sacking twine. And fine, knitted hose and real shoes made out of leather when the best he could hope for as the Boy had been wooden clogs that someone else had grown out of.

Nobody in the kitchens cared that the Boy had gone missing. Nobody had really cared for Toe down there. They just sort of fed him because he was useful. But the Princess... she treasured his company. He brought her storytellers who nervously told their dragon tales, and books from the copymasters. And anything interesting from the markets.

During the days, he was her window to the world. And during the nights... on her back... he flew to anywhere their hearts could desire.

The King didn't much approve. It was not seemly to have a Princess love a kitchen Boy. But then, nobody else had won her heart like this child. And she needed a companion more than she needed a husband. And when he heard her talk about the world and the things that she and Toe had seen... he could not forbid it.

And the next time a knight came to slay the 'venomous beast plaguing the kingdom'... he was rode out of the kingdom on a rail, with tar and feathers for his raiment.

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Challenge #01251-C156: The Power of Knowledge

Princess Rescues Dragon -- Gallifreya

Sir Kevin the Persistent lived up to his name. He did not, alas, live up to some of the more important laws of chivalry. He had studied up on Dragons and knew the best time to attack Trillwhistle.

The fact that he waited for her next shedding season was telling indeed. He would strike when his opponent was weak. He would arm himself with everything he needed to use to destroy one in its strength, so he

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Challenge #01250-C155: Dragon/Princess/Knight

Dragon rescues Princess from Knight -- Gallifreya

"EUGH! NO! Get. Off. Me!"

Trillwhistle gave off looking for the right kind of rocks to scrape off her old skin on and followed the sounds of feminine protest.

"Come on. It's only a kiss. It's my due."

In a clearing not far from the rough, rocky outcropping that Trillwhistle had been considering as a hide-scraper, there was... a Scene.

It looked like some of the pictures from the human books. A lovely glade, a

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Challenge #01246-C151: Slice of Life With a Demon

1) "Ignoring the severed heads in the closet does not make for a good relationship. It makes for an unsanitary closet and possible accessory charges."

2) How to Train Your Hellhound -- Gallifreya

[AN: This takes the gap count down to 11]

1)

"NIIIIIIIIILLLLSSS!" That was not the come-here-I-am-in-trouble shriek. That was the come-here-you-are-in-trouble shriek. As a demon in the pits of Hell, he had feared little but the wrath of his master. Now on the Earth, little ever scared

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Challenge #01245-C150: Angels Well Aware

Sleazy Televangelist of the "Give me your money! And God will Love you!" variety gets an angel. -- KnitNan

"...what does it mean when God sends an Angel? It means something momentous. It means that God himself has a mission for you. It means that the almighty architect of this glorious earth has selected you. Personally. To be His agent on this sorry world. And you'd better behave yourself because HE! IS! WATCHING!"

'Reverend' Tommy Thompson watched his broadcast. Making notes for

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Challenge #01244-C149: Temptations Bakery Origin Story

http://cuppykin.tumblr.com/post/127886086419/how-nightmare-demon-met-his-gf

"How Nightmare Demon met his GF

Demon:MORTAL, you are a lucky one, I HAVE CHOSEN YOU TO BE MY DINNER FOR THIS EVENING, BEG IF YOU WANT BUT I'M TAKING YOUR SOUL AND BODY

Tiny GF:Oh, you're hungry? Well I just ate dinner by myself but I am making dessert.

Demon:Well I think you missed the point but-

Demon:I smell sweets

Tiny GF:They're fudge brownies, I usually eat them by

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Challenge #01240-C145: New Tricks

I accidentally summoned a demon and have won the last 4 rounds of poker against it. -- Gallifreya

Sandy sighed and said, "You're not supposed to show me the cards and ask, 'how do I win?', Belphagor."

"You keep changing the rules," grumbled the demon.

"No, I keep telling you the same rules and you keep getting confused. Let's try again," Sandy reclaimed the cards and shuffled. "I thought the demons of hell were all about sinful stuff."

The demon brightened.

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Challenge #01239-C144: Read Before Signing

I accidentally summoned a demon -- Gallifreya

Belphagor looked around. It was a dusty old book shop. One of those poky little places that almost, but not quite, lead to another reality. The shopkeepers certainly seemed like they had once lived in one, and never quite got the hang of the new reality.

Facing him was an art student. They had to be an art student because the homeless tended to consume way less coffee. And your average bum tended to care

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Challenge #01238-C143: Harrying the Harmful

"They turned me into a newt!"

"... You're a salamander."

"I got better." -- Gallifreya

[AN: A little tip of the hat-rack to Monty Python?]

The Swamps of Misdirection. The only way to escape them, once inside, was to follow confusing, convoluted, "can't miss it" directions to somewhere else. And worse - most of the animals in it were capable of speech.

"Beware, traveller! Beware! Dangerous sorcerers roam this swamp." The speaker was a small amphibian. Mostly black, but with interestingly bright speckles

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Challenge #01237-C142: Strange on a Train

http://simonbitdiddle.vaul-tec.net/post/143205168842 -- Gallifreya

Ah crap. Once again, the only seat on the train home was the Weirdo Seat. The ones where all the mentally disturbed just had to sit. And anyone unlucky enough to have to sit next to them had to endure their madness by osmosis.

Euphoria Jones weighed her options. It was a long-ass ride home. Her feet were already killing her from hours chasing after idiot customer requests. Including numerous trips into "the back"

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Challenge #01219-C124: The Truth About Dragons

http://crescentmoondemon.tumblr.com/post/142716976033 -- Anon Guest

They say that dragons are terrifying beasts. They say that their appetites know no bounds. They say that they thrive on fear. They say that they hoard things just to keep them from mortal hands. They say a lot of things, really. Especially after they've had a few pints, down at the local pub.

Eve knew differently.

For starters, Dragons are more than fine with a sheep or a cow once a month.

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Challenge #01217-C122: Curses!

:when a person who has been living with their curse for some time decides to stand up for the abused, and Sanctioned Mages try to put them down:

Spell slinging against a cursed one and a legendary sword. How hard can it be? -- RecklessPrudence

The words had come in anger and magic. Latching onto her soul. Devouring her destiny with simple words, "You will fail at every one of your stated goals."

It hadn't meant much, at first. Her goals had

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Challenge #01214-C119: Don't Send Me an Angel

http://khaleesijade.tumblr.com/post/142561344474/what-do-angels-actually-look-like-per-the-bible

Angel: “FEAR NOT.”

Shepherds: screaming

Angel: “I SAID FEAR NOT.”

Shepherds: screaming LOUDER

Angel: “WHAT PART OF FEAR NOT ARE YOU NOT UNDERSTANDING?” -- Gallifreya

[AN: The link supplied contains images that might be disturbing to those who don't read biblical accounts of what angels look like]

From the Expurgated Gospel of Tebol the Shepherd:

And the Lord sent an Angel unto Tebol, and the Angel had unto itself twelve wings, half of them like

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Challenge #01197-C102: The Eternal Soldier

http://jewliesparks.tumblr.com/post/131527892833/wwii-era-vampires -- Gallifreya

He should have been 4F because he was 'allergic to sunlight' on his forms. But he told them that if he coated his exposed skin in zinc oxide, and wore sunglasses, he could deal. They gave him gloves to wear. And the fellows in the 40th Foot called him Warpaint. The enemy came to know him as The Ghost, owing to the fact that most of his sunscreen was white-only.

He could pass

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Challenge #01195-C100: Revenge on Holiday

Nemesis, the Goddess of Retribution is having a 'Human Day off' sort of. what happens next? -- KnitNan.

She was discovering many things. First among them was that Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain were to be enjoyed separately. Second was that Pina Coladas weren't all that enjoyable for deities. Third... the world loved a generous tipper.

But without her working on her job, there was an interesting change in humanity.

She watched, idly sipping something rainbow-coloured and highly alcoholic.

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