WARNING: This social experiment is only for REAL MEN who are completely secure in their masculinity and are willing to go the distance and not wuss out at the first sign of trouble. If you, for any reason, feel you are not up to the challenge, then don’t come crying to me. I fucking warned you.
You will need:
- Pins/stickers/a shirt that reads “I am participating in a social experiment. Please act normally”.
- Some balloons.
- Some wettasoil™ or any other silicone-based liquid thickener
- Water
- Superglue/surgical glue
- A marker
- Shaving equipment
- A diary or other means of taking notes
- A working knowledge of self defence
- BALLS of STEEL
The full explanation of the experiment is under the cut. Wussy men may skip the rest of this post.
The experiment:
You are going to make and have a pair of breasts. You are going to have these breasts be a part of you for as long as you can stand it. You are going to record your experiences with possessing these breasts for as long as you possess them.
Making the breast replacements.
Mix up the wettasoil™ or equivalent to the consistency of store custard. I have it on good authority that custard makes an excellent mammary tissue imitator, but we want these suckers to last and not smell, so wettasoil it is.
Fill two of the balloons with the mix until you have your desired bosom size. Keep in mind that these are going to be PHYSICALLY ATTACHED TO YOUR BODY for the duration of the experiment. If you deliberately choose to have weather balloons attached to your chest, you only have yourself to blame.
Make sure your balloons are roughly even in size. A small size difference is normal.
Knot your balloons once you’re satisfied.
Shave your chest.
Starting at the bottom of your pectoral muscle, fill in a teardrop-shaped area on your chest (with the ‘point’ of your teardrop facing the middle of your trapezius) with superglue.
Glue the balloons to your chest. They are now your boobs. The more creative gentlemen may choose to use the knot of their boobaloons as a virtual nipple. Well done, those men. Glue the lip of the baloon neck down so that it looks more like a nipple if you’ve chosen to have them.
Optional: Draw or colour in an areola around each 'nipple’.
It is vitally important that you treat this area specifically as carefully as you treat your own testicles. The nipple/areaolae in breasts are just as sensitive to rough contact as your testicles are. Protect them.
Gently release your boobaloons to the forces of gravity.
You will notice that they are suddenly heavier than you thought (even the A cups amongst you) and gravity really fucking hurts if you do anything physical, like walking.
You’re probably going to need a bra.
Take your diary/journal/recording method with you as you go bra shopping. It may be wise to apply your notification first.
Take heed. EVERYONE is going to treat you differently. From your family (especially any female siblings or your mother) to friends to complete strangers. Especially the homophobic strangers out there who now, since you no longer belong to (a) the physically male or (b) the physically female categories, will reason that they have a legitimate excuse to beat the crap out of you.
This is why it takes a REAL MAN to perform the experiment.
On bras:
You may want a sexy, frilly bra. Wanting is vastly different from getting. As a REAL MAN, your chest is significantly broader than any 'normal’ ladies out there [or what fashion assumes 'normal’ ladies look like] so you will instantly be relegated to the “less sexy” bra lines.
Beware underwires. Just because you can’t feel them doesn’t mean they are not damaging your boobaloons. Feel free to ask an assistant to help you with the “real world” aspects of owning boobs.
The “easiest” bra is the completely unsexy Aah Bra, which is an elasticated top requiring a minimum of fuss to put on or take off.
The “sexier” a bra gets, the more complicated and uncomfortable it is going to be to wear.
Things to keep in mind:
An injury/impact to your boobaloons should be treated with the same alarm as an injury/impact to your junk. If you were in possession of real boobs, they would hurt that much.
Someone grabbing your boobaloons is sexual assault. Even if the person doing so claims to be “only joking” or “just messing around”. It is just as offensive to real boob owners as a complete stranger sinking their hands down your pants to grope your junk. You must record all incidences of sexual assault.
Questions to consider:
- How am I treated differently now that I have boobaloons?
- Does local society(friends/family/working environment) adjust to me/them over time?
- How often are my boobaloons treated as objects for everyone else’s entertainment?
- How differently am I treated by strangers?
- How frequently am I assaulted (aggressively versus sexually) by strangers?
- How frequently am I assaulted (aggressively versus sexually) by friends and family?
- How often am I blamed for having boobaloons? [Keep in mind, ladies just can’t “take theirs off”]
- How the fuck do women put up with this all the time?
REAL MEN who are undertaking this experiment; I salute you.
Men: how long can you last with boobs?