I did order myself ten months' worth of Ashwagandha, at a hefty knock to my wallet. I'm... "fine". Sort of.
I can cope. I can deal. I can make it.
But...
It's gonna be tight for a little while. I can squeak by. I'm avoiding cash purchases this week, but that's me punishing myself for making a purchase that is more than my weekly budget.
...I should probably stop hurting myself like that.
This is another scar from growing up poor and I know it. How dare I, a mere human being, need expensive medication just to function? I could have bought far more worthy things with that money and I know it.
I have felt guilty for needing a complete stock-up of my asthma meds. Medication I needed to firkin live, so I could look after my family and all that nonsense. I felt guilty for needing all that medication. For costing my family money just so I could keep breathing.
That's fucked up, right?
Compared to my most Epic Breathing Bill [AUS$600+] the $250 I paid for a bunch of Ashwagandha isn't that much. But the guilt keeps creeping in anyway.
I'll get over that in a few days. I'll likely get over that by next week, when I'm 'allowed' to have money again. And just that selection of verbiage tells me that I am not over being poor and likely never will be.
Scars.
They turn up in the weirdest places.