Why Red Bull is banned in Bayville.


“So… this is happening,” said the police chief. “WHY is it happening?“

"I don’t know, sir,” said her immediate underling. “I just know it’s continuing to happen…" The swirling patterns of ink on his skin became the repeated word TRUTH.

Many a near-riot had begun because of the quasi-cogniscent ink that had spread like a virus over the skins of all citizens of Bayville. Many men were very upset to find themselves indelibly branded with words like MISOGYNIST, RACIST, RAPIST or ASSHAT. Or, when they attempted to deny the ink, being branded with the word LIAR.

And they were impossible to conceal.

Also in the mix was what the CDC and the media alike were calling the Empathy Virus. Any man who thought that shaving once a day was worse than menstruation found himself not only feeling the uterine pangs of any woman within a fifty-foot radius… but uncontrollably bleeding from his genitals.

Racists who would not shut up found their skin turning a vibrant, eye-hurting green.

Pro-life men found themselves doubled over in unstoppable Braxton Hicks contractions. Pro-life women found their homes invaded by hordes of unwanted children who insisted on calling them ‘mom’.

And through the middle of Bayville, a thin, elongated being with a weird backpack was flying above the streets with a bullhorn, shouting, “Red Bull does NOT give you wings! Science does!“

Various costumed weirdoes were attempting to catch them and failing all over the landscape.

"What else could go wrong?” asked the rookie with the coffee.

As if in answer, it started raining marshmallows.

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