I am honestly trying, but temptation is a bitch.
Mayhem didn't want to come to Lone Star with us, alas. So he not only missed out on some R I D I C U L O U S serving sizes and free peanuts, but he also missed out on going to see...
Tomb Raider
What up!
It was on, we were there, and Chaos got in to see an M-Rated movie that did not have an obligatory sex scene. Not even a kiss.
They passed the Bechdel test within the first twenty minutes. Twice. And then made up for that by having Laura be the only girl in a firkin sausage festival.
Can't win 'em all, I guess.
To make up for the lack of sexytimes, the people behind the movie decided to turn the violence up to eleven, but it's still a weirdly rational amount of nastiness, though Chaos did remark that there was an awful lot of blood and death.
And definitely game-appropriate levels of what-the-fuck peril. You can almost see the scriptwriters avoiding the words "Press X to not die".
And like all good treasure hunts, the trail to the main maguffin is peppered with death traps that are in remarkably good condition considering that nobody has seen, touched, or maintained them in howeverthefuck many years.
And we also rejoin my fave movie pet peeve: Characters standing up when it makes no fucking sense.
So you have a perilous crossing, right? The bridge or temporary structure is giving out if you redistribute your weight, right? So the sensible thing to do is commando-shimmy your way to safety, right? Nobody ever said that action movie stars were sensible, did they?
Nope.
Every single mother-loving one of them stands the fuck up and goddamn tries to run to the next bastion of security. Which is then destabilised by their idiot stunt and they have to Action Hero their way out of that one as well.
And they do this more than once!
I thought Laura was the brains of this outfit. But no, she's gotta show off those Quick Time Event skills so that the people in charge can tie in a game. Or fifteen.
All of that said, it is so fun to watch. Especially the twist.
Oh, and Derek Jacobi's in it, so that's another high point.