I am an artist.
I’m a writer. I’m a sculptor. I’m a potter. I’m a knitter. I’m a papercrafter. I’m a leatherworker. I’m a florist. I’m a dancer. I’m a fibrecrafter. I’m an actor. I’m a beatboxer. I’m a musician. I’m a composer.
No matter the occupation - so long as it’s creative - if you answer the question, “What do you do?” You will inevitably hear one of the following:
“I wish I had the time to do that.”
“What’s your day job?”
“Can you give me a freebie? It’ll be great exposure.” [This one is never said that bluntly.]
“So where can I see it?” [This one varies depending on the occupation]
“I don’t always have time for [arena in which your work is most likely to be experienced]…”
Or, insultingly, some variant on, “Do you need any tips?”
Yes, random person I’ve just met. I would love your opinion on something I’ve been working my arse off on for most of my entire life. I’d really love to know something painfully obvious about my souls’ motivation to keep my body going day through endless day of toil to create something you’ll probably look at for a maximum of ten minutes and then go, “ugh.”
Sarcasm is lost on the slow of mind.
What artists need is a collection of snappy comebacks to ignorant observations on artists. Like this:
I wish I had time for that…
“I wish I had time for [their job] but I’m just soooo busy.”
“I’ve been studying fifteen ways to kill a guy for my latest work. Want a demo?”
“Well you seem to be standing around talking shit all night, how about you get cracking?”
What’s your day job?
“Murder….” [Say it with the creepiest face you can muster]
“I hunt down idiots who disrespect art and make them public examples to others.”
“I work at the large hadron collider crafting miniature black holes. Do you want one?”
Can you give me a freebie? It’ll be great exposure…
“Talk to my agent.” [Refuse to give agent details]
“Drop trou. It’ll be great exposure.”
“Only in exchange for a freebie.”
So where can I see it?
“I can’t tell you. You’re not one of the elite.”
“What’s the password?”
“You have to decode and solve a series of increasingly confusing clues to find it.”
I don’t always have time for [arena in which your work is most likely to be experienced]…
“And you’re here… why?”
Act like they don’t have time for air.
“You should try it. I’ve heard it can cure arsehole-ism.”
Do you need any tips?
“Sure. I’ve been [JARGON]ing my [JARGON] of late and I think it needs some [JARGON]. What’s your opinion?”
“Five dollars’d be nice.” [Hold out hand]
“So what would you do if you’re stuck in a conversation with an arsehole who looks down on what you do?”
Of course they won’t get the hint. Hell, odds are they won’t even be listening [because they’re arseholes] but at least these can help you feel better about being trapped in a room with an ignoramus.