Paperback Writer vs. my WIPs

…and some publishing knowledge I gleaned from being in a writer’s club.

Be warned, this post contains excerpts of the Beatles’ song, Paperback Writer. Use of said lyrics is not intended to infringe on the copyright of the song, profits from any Beatle’s estate, or any other legal fiction you can cook up. This is done solely without profit for the purposes of entertainment without any expectation of monetary recompense whatsoever.

There. Legalese done with… Now there’s this.

Paper back writer (paperback writer) - I’m going to cut out the rest of these. Just because there’s very little funny to be added to them.

Dear Sir or Madam, will you read my book? /It took me years to write, will you take a look? - Bad way to start a submission letter there, Beatles. Any publishing firm that takes unsolicited submissions has a veritable stable of paid readers. Admin only ever looks at the executive summaries. Secondly, my WIPs are usually short stories or novellas. Mostly novellas. Of the few novels I write, I write intermittently [a few months of fervour followed by months of neglect, followed possibly by a rewrite]

It’s based on a novel by a man named Lear - Never, ever, EVER tell ANYONE that your work is derivative. Let them discover that for themselves. Assuming they’re familiar with the work. If they catch you at it, tell them he inspired your work. Not that you ripped it off wholesale and filed off the serial numbers.

And I need a job, so I want to be a paperback writer, - You poor, deluded fool. You’ll never get as rich as, say, the Beatles.

It’s the dirty story of a dirty man - Hm. Only one of my WIPs contains anyone who’s unclean. And that’s a result of circumstances beyond his control.

And his clinging wife doesn’t understand. - Said dirty man in my WIP is unmarried and unfamilied.

The son (The Sun) is working for the Daily Mail, /It’s a steady job but he wants to be a paperback writer, - Aha. I have spotted the author-inserted fantasy persona.

It’s a thousand pages, give or take a few, /I’ll be writing more in a week or two. - Never, ever, EVER tell a publisher that your WIP is still a WIP. They’re looking for complete novels. They want trilogies, because trilogies sell like fuck.

I can make it longer if you like the style, /I can change it round and I want to be a paperback writer, - Here, the Beatles display a complete lack of research. For example, the Writer Lightbulb joke: “Q. How many writers does it take to change a lightbulb? A. [with outrage] Don’t change a F–ing THING!”

If you really like it you can have the rights, - Fuck no. Keep your copyrights. You make money that way.

It could make a million for you overnight. - Somebody is sure of themselves.

If you must return it, you can send it here - rejection letter in 3… 2…

But I need a break and I want to be a paperback writer, - Never, ever, EVER let a publisher know you’re that desperate. They will treat you like a doormat for the rest of your life.

Paperback Writer did inspire me, but even when I was eight years old, I kinda suspected its relationship to writing reality was obscure at best. Now everyone knows. And knowing, as GI Joe was wont to say, is half the battle.