The Executive/Corporate Checklist

This information is pulled strictly out of my arse. By and large, it is not meant to be representative of the corporate atmosphere and is evidently extrapolated from what one statistical outlier[ie, not a White, Anglo-Saxon Male aged 18-35] can observe in her few encounters with the business world.

Executive Corporate Checklist [According to Me] to Making a New Image

[1] Phone billions of households when they are the most inconvenienced and tie the poor bastard who answered the phone up for hours.

[2] Throw out all the results from women, anyone not coloured pale beige, anyone who doesn’t preface at least three answers with “the bible says”, and anyone outside the ages of 18-35. They don’t matter, so why should we listen to them?

[2a] If we’re specifically marketing this bullshit to women, pay attention to what the single white men want to see on them, and not what they, themselves, want to wear/buy/whatever.

[3] Run the results past the accountants and strip out anything that costs too much. For example: hiring local workers, building a factory in the country the primary market is in, or preserving Mother Nature (what’s she done for us, recently?).

[4] Once you’ve picked a third world country that lets you shit all over their environment, lay off another few thousand workers in your market country. Those fuckers are way too expensive.

[5] Give yourself a bonus from the savings.

[6] Pretend to give a crap about the environment by trumpeting about all the trees your company planted. Do not mention the old-growth forest your company ploughed under for the space to plant said trees.

[7] Pretend to give a crap about the global economy by trumpeting about all the jobs you just created in the aforementioned third-world country. Neglect to mention those jobs are for kids in a sweatshop.

[8] Spend millions of dollars hyping the new eco-friendly, market-friendly stuff.

[9] Complain about how expensive local wages are whilst firing another few thousand local workers.

[10] Bonus time!

[11] Repeat steps 1-10 until the bottom falls out of the market.

[12] Demand a government bail-out whilst simultaneously complaining that the government has its hand in too many things and needs to leave business alone.

[13] Bonus time!

[14] Wonder why all the local people who no longer have jobs [thanks to you] are not spending their scant income on your overpriced bullshit.

[15] Criticise anyone protesting your practices whilst wearing/using your overpriced bullshit. Ignore the fact that it is physically impossible to avoid your overpriced bullshit.

[16] Move to your private island to retire with extra bonuses. Buy a politician or three to make sure the business you now have shares in can continue to rape and pillage.

If you, or anyone you know is offended by this list; then you’re probably EXACTLY the kind of person/company I’m talking about.