Smol Dramas

Once again, I have to rant about a few things because life is hellishly inconvenient and everything costs too much and I slightly want to scream.

First up - ISBNs.

So I was thinking that once you got an ISBN for one book, you could use the same ISBN for the SAME CONTENT. I couldn't find anything about this on Lulu, but Smashwords insisted on one, so I thought I'd better check with Lulu just to be sure.

And dummins me went ahead with using the Lulu ISBN because -hey- same content, same serial number, right? Wrong.

For this conversation, pretend that Lulu takes 24 to 48 hours to reply to anything I said. Because that's what freaking happened.

Me: Yo guys I need your phone number so I can accurately use the ISBN I already got from you guys for the same book in e-format. And BTW I need it today.

Them: Uhhh... Are you trying to get... uuuuuuuuuhhhh... ISBN?

Me: No. I HAVE and ISBN, I'm just trying to use it with another publisher because it's the same fucking book. In order to use it properly, I needed your phone number three freaking days ago when I emailed you about it.

Them: You can get an ISBN for your book at our ISBN'ing URL here. Glad I could help.

Me: Listen up, shithead, I don't need an ISBN. I already have one. Today is my LAST DAY FOR A WEEK to fix anything about this so just give me your fucking PHONE NUMBER so I can use the ISBN that I ALREADY FUCKING HAVE.

Them: [halfway fucking through the week I'm in Morgan, SA] No, you're not allowed to do that. You have to trash everything and start over again.

Me: [Heavily sarcastic] "Thanks" for your "help". I especially admire how "swiftly" you resolved my problem.

Them: Great! Take a survey!

Me: Off the hell fuck...

So my first day back home (three more days later, for those keeping score) and plus an emergency dentist run because Chaos' tooth... I look around in Smashwords for a way to change the ISBN. I contact their help section.

Me: Shit, I fucked up the ISBN in this book, how to I change it?

Them: [In the SAME AFTERNOON - take notes, Lulu] Sorry, there's no real way to do that and we didn't think about it because you reached strange new realms of fucking up.

Me: Fine, I'll get rid of it and republish that fucker with the right procedurals.

Them: Turns out you can't permanently delete any book you've unpublished and archived, either. And you're not allowed to use exactly the same title as something in your archives.

Me: Fuck you, I'm adding an exclamation point to the title.

Them: We ignore those, but we still allow that adjustment.

Me: o_O

Me: Whatever...

Long story short, I have learned from the error of my ways and will never fuck up that badly again. I also recently learned that audiobooks are $225/hour up front when my budget's $0.

My options at this point are:

• Try a GoFundMe
• Beg on Tumblr
• Desperately shill the print and ebook versions and pray I get enough via Paypal payments to do the audiobook thing¹
• Hope that someone 'out there' likes KFZ enough to do a competent reading
• Ask Mark Reads Things if he's interested.

And I still have to tweak the print version so that it looks more professional. Sigh.

And in personal news, this VERY FRIENDLY Staffy has turned up in our yard with every intention of staying. -_-