I See Your Value Now
Asperger's and the Art of AllegoryA beautiful piece written by Rachel Edidin
... FEELS.
I...just...
...read it.
“I see other people's tolerance of and interest in me as a finite resource, one I can renew to a limited extent by being of use, but which will eventually and inevitably run out. I have a long and serial history as a flavor of the month. I assume--based on precedent, although the individual countdowns can vary significantly--that most of my friendships are running on borrowed time.”
Oh wow.This.....explains a lot more about me than I'd care to admit. Especially when you consider the fact that I was raised with a pessimistic (or in my mom's terms, realistic) view of my own self-worth and what I had to offer people, and who was repeatedly told that no one cared what I had to go through to get stuff done, they only cared if I would be of use to them, because if I wasn't, then they'd just ditch me for someone who would be. (except mom, donchaknow! *gags*)
This is why I'm clingy and sort of hyper to people I like, because I still always feel like the clock is running down to the point where I go from 'interesting' to 'annoying' or 'not useful anymore', or I say/do something wrong and they don't want to hear my explanation and then they'll leave me. Or exclude me from their group. It's happened before. A lot.
It's also why I suck at taking compliments, or might ask for them to be repeated - it's not egocentrism, it's a genuine difficulty in realizing that someone could like anything I've done/anything about me, and then wanting to hear it again because I want to savor it, because I'm not used to it.
Wow. Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt.
It’s made of hair.
And it’s completely invisible to nypicals and loved ones alike.