Fanfic Time: Don't Pity Me part 5
Very much NSFW fic continued from yesterday:
Fracture Five: No Sense
They *fed* him. Put warm things on him. Gave him a soft, warm place to sleep. They were quiet, and gentle, and tried to put him at ease.
But there were lots of closed doors. He couldn’t get out.
But there was warm food. Comfortable things. Worried faces.
And one face covered in blue fur.
That one was a Proper-Teacher, if the Others could be believed any more. He didn’t smell like kin, but he fascinated Wild One all the same. Blue fur. Just like Wild One. And they gave *him* the freedom of the Civilised Place.
Wild One was scared. Civilised Places like this one were full of Bad Times. Bad Times *had* to happen. That was the way things *worked*. Wild One was there to protect the Others from Bad Times.
There was a Teacher on Wheels. The loudest Other said that this was a friend. This one was help.
That Other had said that the Hunter that caught him was a Teacher. Wild One didn’t trust that Other so easily, any more. He growled at the teacher on wheels, retreating into a corner.
*
He was an animal, inside his head. There was limited understanding and sentience, but he was still an animal.
Xavier sent calm at him, soothing his ferociousness. Verbally, he added, “I’m not going to hurt you. I’m a friend. You’re safe. You're among friends.”
The low growl toned down by degrees. The watchful eyes never wavered.
Xavier would have to have a little word to Logan about his methods. Using a nerve pinch wasn’t exactly the best way to gain someone’s trust, to say the least. *This* may just be an uphill battle as a direct result.
“It’s all right,” Xavier soothed. “It’s going to be all right. You're among friends. Relax. Relax.”
The growling finally stopped. Kurt’s face clearly showed confusion, but it was still the confusion of an animal.
Xavier entered his mind. And was almost lost in the stream of babble. So many voices… some hostile, some quiet. One hurt.
_Professor?_ the wounded one recognised him. _You should get out, while you still can. It’s dangerous._
_Kurt, we’re worried about you. What *is* this? What’s happening to you?_
_I just lost a little control. The Masks think the Bad Times are back. I’ll be okay. I just need to talk Wild One down. I’ll be okay._
Xavier helped Kurt’s mental self up. _You’re a long way from okay, Kurt. There are other people living in your head._
_I know. I needed them. Is Katzchen okay?_
_Kitty’s down in the infirmary. Most of the damage was psychological,_ Xavier realised what he was doing. _That’s not going to work. We need to talk. What *are* the Bad Times?_
_They’re *SECRET*!_ another persona practically shoved him away. _Nobody should know!_
_Archivist, calm down,_ Kurt said. _He’s trying to help us. Leave him alone._
_He isn’t like us. We’ve never *had* a norm in our heads. This is a dangerous Mask._ Archivist aimed pure hate at Xavier. _Go away. We don't need *you*._
_He isn’t one of us. He’s from outside. He’s just trying to get answers._
A flicker of memories. _Oh. *Him*._
_Come out, Kurt. We need to *talk*._
_Ja. You need to get out before you get lost._
Xavier emerged. The relative peace and quiet of his own head was a relief. How did Kurt manage with so many voices?
Kurt’s first question, once he was himself, so to speak, was, “Did I hurt anyone?”
*
Kitty had nearly stopped crying when Kurt came in. He lurked near the doorway and did everything to appear as inoffensive as possible.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t stop it,” he said. “I came by too late. And there were some - other problems.”
“You tried to cover me up,” she said. “Why didn’t you like, get help?”
“You… could say I was - confused. I didn’t believe there *was* any help - at the time.”
“For what it’s worth? It was like, probably my fault,” Kitty confessed. “Part of me like, wanted it.”
“It’s never your fault,” Kurt said. “They want to make you believe that it is, but it isn’t. If you didn’t want it to happen, if you said 'no’, then it’s not your fault.”
Kitty reached for yet another tissue. “I wanted it in the beginning, 'cause was like, in love with him and like, junk… but it *hurt*, and I just wanted it to stop.”
A half-step inside. “I could - hold you. If you want me to?”
She realised why she was being cautious. “Oh, Kurt… you can like, come in. You’re okay. I’m not like, afraid of you. You’re like, totally *safe*.”
He entered with a sigh and held her tight and half the nightmares fled the room.
Kitty snuggled into him. Kurt always smelled of shampoo and some kind of spicy musk. He never smelled like a week-old ashtray. _Ew. Gross-o-rama…_ Where Lance was firm, Kurt was slightly soft, his fur acting like a cushion.
“Ich bin Ihr flockiges Pluschspielzeug, Liebe. Ich halte die Alptraume weg…” Kurt murmured, kissing her forehead.
Whatever he said, Kitty felt reassured.
*
_Safe, am I?_ Kurt wondered. _You can’t know about the monsters in my head. The ones that want to hurt people, go wild, and be everything I'm not._
He still held her, because she needed it, patted her shoulder and let her snuggle against him. Just like she snuggled up to Lockheed, before she went to bed.
“[I’ll be your fuzzy plush toy, love. I’ll keep the nightmares away…]” he promised. Love, however it came to him, even affection, wouldn’t be turned away.
Though he dearly loved her, and wanted to make right what Lance made wrong, he’d accept just a hug, as though he were a living doll. Because something like him had to take whatever he could get.
He kissed her like a father would kiss a daughter, all the time wishing he could taste her lips. He kept his motions chaste, even though he desperately wanted to feel her skin against his fur, to caress her every hurt away with everything he knew.
He wanted to show her all he knew of the Tantra. Take her to places she may have only dreamed about.
But now was not the right time. Because she was wounded, and scared, and she needed someone who was safe.
He’d be safe for her. For as long as he could hold out.
Tomorrow was Sunday. He could go to his little patch of holy ground and get His help to keep the masks at bay. Or he could teach Katzchen to use a mask so she could face school…
_No. I won’t make her like me. The mask was just supposed to be a way of facing an audience if I got scared. I corrupted it into the crowd in my head. Katzchen doesn’t need that._
Tough love, indeed. She *could* cope, and still be whole. Kurt, on the other hand, was broken up inside, and couldn’t easily undo the damage. He refused to encourage Kitty to damage herself.
“It helps if you can get angry at him,” he said, keeping his voice low and gentle. “It helps to say ‘no’ and keep saying 'no’ until he gets it. If you want him to go away, that is.”
“I don’t know what I want.”
“You have all of tomorrow to sort it out, liebe,” he kissed her forehead again. Her skin was so soft. Were her lips sweet? He’d probably never know. “But you have to know what you want, and what that will do to you.”
Kitty stared up at him. Her lips looked like rose petals. “Just tomorrow? Can’t I like, stay home?”
“You’re stronger than that, Katzchen,” he said. “What happened - well… It’s something like an act of terrorism. If you’re afraid to go on and pick your life up again, then he’s won. He has you scared. Then he can control you.” He decided not to mention that the really *accomplished* ones could still hurt a person if they put a mind to it. Then he remembered that he was going to have to face Hess.
He could run. He could pretend deafness. An appointment. An assignment. Study group. Anything. He could avoid Hess, and Hess would have a hard time tracking him down. She had a job. He had his power. He could be smarter than her. Faster than her. More cunning and creative than her brutal and twisted mind could ever be.
_Don’t be scared. Be better._ Pity he couldn’t give Kitty that advice. It had taken three of his Masks, including a Monster, to convince Hess not to seek him out again, last time.
So far, none of his Masks had actually killed.
So far.
_It may yet become necessary…_