Challenge #00566 - A191: Vampirism Sucks

A group of casual vampires, perhaps playing poker or lounging by the pool, with cheesy-looking coconuts with straws in, when in bursts a newbie vampire hunter who apparently got all his info from a book written before both the discovery of the coconut milk thing and safe volunteer blood donor procedures.

The sun had risen. Those in the pool had fled for the cabana at the first hint of light in the east. There, they applied zinc oxide very liberally to their pale skins or wrapped themselves in Vantablack cloaks or gowns while waiting their turn at the colour they desired most.

They sipped coconut water and gossiped amongst themselves.

At least until Kevin VanHelsing turned up.

He wore sports padding in every available location, and had added silver-looking studs to every possible surface. He was bedecked with enough religious jewellery to make him look like the love child of a rapper and a pro wrestler.

“Avaunt! Back into the nether depths from whence you came, foul creatures of the night!” He gestured menacingly with a wooden garden stake.

“Every tventy-fife years,” moaned Elvira. “Can’t your family kip notes?”

“I dunno, I think the ‘nether depths’ thing is funny,” said Vlad.

“Is gettink to be annoying,” complained Nosty as he applied colours over his base coat of white zinc cream.

“…avaunt…?” murmured Kevin. “I’ve got a wooden stake and everything…?”

Liz, who was still modest after millennia of sucking blood, emerged from her Vantablack robe in an elaborate rainbow of body paint and a very staid swimsuit. “That’s probably pine. It wouldn’t do us the least bit of trouble. You need oak.” She picked up a spare coconut and sipped idly from the bendy straw. “And as for this pile of… bling? Is that the word?”

“That’s the word, honey,” said Lilia.

“Most of this is copper. The rest of it is rusting. And if you really wanted to hurt us? You wouldn’t have painted all of these spikes with fake chrome paint.”

“It’s gold that hurts Wampires, sveetie,” said Elvira. “And ve only drink from volunteers who are not cripy.”

“Which means all volunteers,” said Lilia.

“Turns out, coconut water is just as good,” said Liz, gesturing with her beverage. “So… we’re kinda harmless?”

“You shouldn’t smile when you say that,” informed Lilia. “Turns them off.”

“But…” Kevin whimpered. “…noble heritage… vampire hunters…”

“Aaaaawww…” cooed Liz. “Poooooorr human…”

“Elizabeth Bathory, don’t you dare,” Lilia threw on the discarded robe so she could haul Liz back into the shadows. “Remember the last human you tried to adopt? You don’t know how to look after them. You think they can go without food for weeks like we can…”

“But he doesn’t have anything, Lilly…”

Sigh. “…why did i fall in love with you?” Growl. “Fine. We’ll hire him as a bodyguard and trust him to look after himself, okay?”

Liz bounced and clapped her hands. “Yaaaaayyy! Best! Girlfriend! Ever!”

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