Challenge #00227: On the Disposal of Sex Aids
“I don’t know why you thought this was such a good idea!”
They sat in Hwell’s personal space like the ancient mariner’s albatross. Everywhere they went, everyone knew what they were for. And renting a kitchen to experiment was not in his budget.
He managed to sell a few, anyway. Mostly for their original purpose by shy creatures who spoke in low voices and urgently shoved money in his hands before running away with their merchandise.
He needed to rebrand the bloody things. Or experiment on his own, somehow…
Hwell Barrow smiled to himself. He could plausibly build a toaster-oven out of the junk they were hauling between worlds right now. It’s not as if they’d miss any, it was all destined for a scrap furnace anyway.
The first cheese waffle was delicious. After a week or three of almost solid tinkering. He even managed to serve one to Ax'and'l before the Saurian noticed the familiar and embarrassing pattern.
“Yes, of course I washed it. What do you think I am, anyway?”
“I know you’re a crazy mammal. I don’t know why I put up with you.”
“Say ‘hi’ to the wife and kids, next time you’re home,” prompted Hwell. When they had met, Ax'and'l was an overworked, underpaid freighter captain with no sense of trade, trying to earn enough to win the permanent attention of his lady-love. Their first adventure had lead to an enormous profit and -indirectly- Ax'and'l’s wedded bliss.
Glare. “You’re infuriating.”
“You’re welcome.” He munched casually on his own cheese waffle. “I can’t do anything about the samples I already have, but I’m thinking maybe I should go after the Gyiiks. They’re always willing to do something new with edibles.”
“Have you been at your still, again?”
Safe assumption, with humans. “Strictly for cooking purposes, I swear. Besides, this batch is the best grease-stripper available.” He got back on topic. “So I cook some up before we hit port, send out a Seekerbot, and then go hunting my new clientele. One per potential customer and keep them out of their original packing, sort of thing.”
The original packing had definitely made their intended purpose clear to one and all. And Hwell had had enough of staring at avian porn in his chambers.
“All you had to do was stay out of trouble,” growled Ax'and'l, “and stay in your room and not touch anything. And stay out of the liquor! Bored and drunk is an unprofitable combination, and you never remember that.”
“So next time we’re in a port where they don’t like mammals, buy me a toy,” jibed Hwell. “There’s only so many times a man can play with balls, you know.”
Ax'and'l went through the standard range of facial tics that happened whenever the Saurian captain was unsure as to whether Hwell had just made a lewd joke, or was expecting one. “Just… talk to me the next time you have a… 'brain fart’. Eugh. Humans…” He shook his head. “I don’t know why you thought this was such a good idea…”
“Same reason I think anything is a good idea. I was bored and drunk.” He shrugged. “Trust me. Find the right market, and these will sell.”
Another glare. A mutter of, “Must not kill and eat the profitable mammal.” And finally, resignation. “Do not get that bored and drunk ever again.”
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