An open letter to the Republicans planning on moving to Australia

Dear nongs idiots yobs wankers yanks (aw fuckit) Reppos:

We would welcome you to Australia. We’re a welcoming bunch [once we’ve figured out a suitably isolating slang for yaz, of course] we’ll even chuck another steak/prawn on the barbie for ya.

There’s just a few things you ought to know before you pack your bags.

1. You might have heard that the lady in charge of this country is an atheist. This is nominally true, but the actual lady technically in charge of this country is also the Queen of England. Good thing for you she’s a bit more “hands off” than you lot.

Yep. We’re a constitutional monarchy. This means there’s no such thing as private beaches and any old drongo can walk along any old beachfront any old where. We also have nudist beaches, but remember - just because she hasn’t got a stitch on, doesn’t mean it’s a “legitimate rape”… or whatever your term for it is.

2. We have some pretty restrictive gun laws down here. The tl;dr version of all that goes: * You have to have photo ID on you at all times * You have to be a card-carrying member of the SSAA * You have to have your guns in one safe and your ammo in another * There’s a limit to how many guns you can have * And every time someone so much as sneezes during a criminal event, there’s hue and cry to make these laws even more restrictive. [Seriously. Some idiot set off a bomb in Bali and our kneejerk reaction was “Ban guns!”]

3. We have free health care for everyone. Near as I can figure, this has yet to ruin the country.

4. We’re a lot less restrictive about who gets the dole welfare. This has lead to some folks choosing to live on it and becoming “dole bludgers”. It’s getting harder and harder to actually do this, but it is still possible.

5. It’s illegal to kill native animals. We don’t, however, give a shit about the feral ones. If you plan on going hunting for them, be sure to get permission from the land-owner. And if you’re hunting bush pigs, pick a tree. Those bastards are too stupid to know when they’re dead. And they will most definitely rip your shit if they catch you.

6. Most of our native animals are venomous. If they aren’t venomous, they can still tear you open if they’re having a bad day. And you can’t know which ones are having a bad day. Just don’t go near anything that looks like it belongs here, you’ll be fine.

7. Even if you’re firmly in suburbia, watch out for the plovers. There’s a reason why these little bastards are one of the few ground-nesting species to survive the introduction of both rats and foxes. They’re fucking vicious. They have spurs on their wings that can rip your head open.

Tricks for dealing with a plover: *Stick a photo of Edna Everage on top of your hat. That’d scare anything. * Carry an umbrella. When the Plover starts to swoop, aim umbrella roughly at plover, open umbrella. This makes the plover think you’re bigger than you really are and back off. Hey, it works for the frill-neck lizard. * Avoid the living fuck out of plovers. Seriously.

8. If you get possums, do not pick them up. These buggers can go from adorable bundle of cute to ball of buzz-saw-related death in 0.0075 nanoseconds. Just hand them a piece of toast on a long stick and don’t expect to get the stick back in one piece.

9. Do NOT go swimming where there’s jellyfish or sharks. Unfortunately for you, this means most of the coast.

10. We did make a humorous song about some of our nastier wildlife. Alas, the song only covers about five percent of the things that are venomous or can rip your shit.

11. We will laugh at you for not knowing Strine. Then we’ll laugh at you for picking it up.

12. We call biscuits scones. Cookies are biscuits. Wife beaters are singlets and you’re a “bloody yank” until further notice. Deal with it.

On the plus side, we still have rampant racism and exclusion of the native peoples, so you’ll be right at home, there!

Cheers,

All the Aussies waiting to see the look on your faces.